It is incredibly rare that I ask for anything for myself, particularly in regards to my health – this, above, I tried to do at the weekend!
It’s something that my counsellor and my friends have been trying to get me to work on for a long time. The last few months I have been trying, it’s new to me and a work in progress. Whilst volunteering at the Grand Prix it was something that was discussed with me at length and I worked hard on it, the Wednesday and Thursday actually making decisions to put me first, guess what? The world continued to turn and my family of blue and green shirts not only accepted and welcomed my decisions but encouraged them! I may have taken all of us by surprise! 😱😂
Fast forward to 15th April, I posted my blog, and I asked for 36ish hours for me, I needed to deal with lots of things and they were affecting my mental health, I wanted to get everything in order. Projects, communications, lots of things. Despite my request still people contacted me with questions, queries, none of these could wait that 36 hours, I pointed out to each of those people that I wanted to be left until Sunday evening. Did it stop them! No! So I made some decisions and now people are disappointed 🤷♀️ you pushed me, you didn’t let me have that short time I was brave enough to ask for. Apparently for some I didn’t answer questions they didn’t ask 🤷♀️ why in this sport is it so often expected that we can mind read?
What I am especially curious of is, if I asked for the weekend because I had a migraine, a stomach bug, an injury, would I have been granted that 36 hours? Is it just mental health that doesn’t get respected? Have a think, you don’t have to answer me, but please do be honest with yourself!
What it did do was confirm work that I have been doing and several events and projects I am working on are most definitely needed as I had already believed.
So now we have people disappointed because I cancelled things, and angry people who have now had things cancelled who were not actually the people pushing me and being disrespectful of my request! So the people who pushed are ok, and I will deal with yet more annoyed folks 🤔
Integr8Archery CIC is mine, a one man band, no one else makes the decisions and no one else chooses what I do, and no one else steps in when I am overwhelmed. I am working on my projects, work that was always mine, my goals, my aims and new ideas. Not for anyone else, for me. There are also a number of other things I have that I may restart, they are mine too. Don’t make the mistake that because people have collaborated in the past dictates what I am doing now, because that would also be disrespectful.
However, what did go well, that I knew would give me the boost when I was thinking of quitting, was my visit to DISC to deliver soft archery, they are such a welcoming and enthusiastic group and a pleasure to spend time with.
Followed by my trip just over the road to shoot with Towcester Archers, some projects discussed and ideas bounced and arrows flung. Last year it was incredibly important to me to create safe spaces for my mind, where, when I am overwhelmed, anxious and scared, I can go to with my bow.
So thank you and much love to Archers of Raunds, Long Buckby archery club, Towcester Archers, Banbury Cross, Kestrels and Bowmen of Glen. By far the most important thing is the gift they give me of space where I am mentally safe to pick up my bow.
When I started shooting in 2018 I spent hours on the range, practise and competing. From 2018 to 2021 I shot between 800 – 1000 arrows a week. Last year this dropped dramatically – we know why. So I started planning my 2023 outdoor season and how to get that motivation back, perfectly timed as Archery GB advertised for the #greatarrowcount project. I received notification of my involvement in the project which was to start on 1st April. Those first 10 days were impacted by my being at the European Grand Prix but my first week total sees me having shot 570 arrows, not where I want to be but getting back on track for sure.
I believe that sport can change lives. I believe in my sport especially so, archery is so very inclusive. 6 years ago I decided I could make a difference and I strive for that, putting bows into the hands of people who don’t think they can access archery, for a variety of reasons.
I work hard to meet this goal, to bring archery to those who want it, for an hour, a year, a life time.
I am also very clear that everything I do is voluntary. I don’t get paid for any of what I do, never have, and Integr8Archery CIC is set up to prevent this, non profit – remember?
So I have a day job, to pay the bills, it’s a demanding one at that.
I give between 18-30 hours a week to Integr8Archery and I do this by giving up my own time.
I have worked with the public since I was old enough to work weekends as a teenager. I know that some say thank you, some complain, some are reasonable and some less so. I have volunteered since I was 16 and I know what giving my time can help others achieve – thank goodness or maybe I would have walked away!
This week I have come incredibly close to cancelling something for the first time due to the attitude of the person who I am helping host an event. Still might really.
It doesn’t matter if you are paying or not, if you set out the terms of what you want, you can of course make changes, this involves communicating. Just constantly demanding and changing and putting more and more on me! Nope not ok! In this case the event has costs, costs that a third party are picking up, don’t think that means I won’t pull out. I have no problem with telling the third party that I will not be billing them because I am cancelling the event!
So ask yourself this? When you ask someone for a service, do you flit around in your head! Do you change your mind? Maybe you didn’t set out what you wanted clearly and are now trying to get what you want without admitting that you missed something. Or are you becoming aware that maybe you could have asked for more but didn’t and now want more because you realise it can be achieved!
Whatever it is, ask! Speak kindly and remember I am giving you my time, freely, and I am not just sat waiting for your email or call, I have other responsibilities and they don’t allow me to drop everything. Be kind, say thank you, it’s not a lot to ask really is it?
So whilst I am complaining – a message to those of you who are still contacting me about things you were interested in being a part of, remember who discussed them with you? Was it me? Did I convince you that you can change your path? Were you told I was part of those plans as they were my projects? That’s very likely, I agree. Some have spoken with me and I have worked with them to do the things they wanted after having those conversations. However, if you have sent me emails, messages, voicemails accusing me of letting you down because the person who told you those projects were being planned isn’t replying or hasn’t delivered? I can’t help you because I will not be made to feel guilty or terrible because someone else let you down.
This is not the first time I have made this point publicly and it would seem it’s a point I am repeating publicly for the third time! I do not believe that you were let down by Integr8Archery so my advice would be to go to the person or business who did let you down.
ON A HAPPIER NOTE, THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO SUPPORTS ME ❤️🏹 I NEVER TAKE YOU FOR GRANTED 😎
Lots of catching up done in the last day or so after I got home from Lilleshall volunteering as a small part of the amazing team who put on events with Archery GB, my third international event, but I learn from every event I help at, regardless of it’s level. Hard work? Absolutely! Long days? For sure! Worth it? Always!!
Always great catching up with friends and they are my friends as they allow me to sit in my pjs when they gather to chill after dinner 🙃 and they look after me when my body is struggling, no easy thing.
Instructor course, start archery, 4 community events, the disability session at the end of April to name a few …. hard work but so very worth it! New things popping up after sitting in my room alone for 9 evenings with my notepad – never able to turn off my mind! 😉
In order to allow Integr8Archery CIC to be non profit and to put on as much as we can at little to no cost for the community I have to remain in paid employment since I have yet to get that big winning lottery ticket 😂 and this week will see me start my new job after being out of work for 6 weeks following my fixed term contract expiring. This will see me take on a role that I think will be both challenging and rewarding and I am excited. I think the shifts will make my time adaptable for Integr8Archery too as some people want me on weekends and some on weekdays, so now I will have potential to be flexible around those wants. Most importantly from the Integr8Archery perspective it means I don’t require an income from what I do here.
I saw a quote that I really liked this week:
“Don’t leave a place the way you found it.
Leave it the way you would like to have found it.'”
Ben Ferencz.
A lot of what I aim to achieve is covered by this I think. If we each do a little bit, together we can achieve so much to make things better. Equality, Diversity, Inclusion and Safeguarding – all can make a better world.
Sorry, yesterday was very busy, as is always to be expected on finals day!
However I sit here having been a small cog in the huge network of staff and volunteers that have pulled off another great event. My third international event now but I have lost count of how many events I have volunteered and helped with for Archery GB. What I do remember are the people, volunteers, competitors and everyone else that I have met along the road. For the most part amazing people.
My family of blue shirts are, in my opinion, unbeatable when we get together. Thanks and respect, as always to the amazing Malcolm Rees who goes to fantastic lengths to get the best images📸
I have managed to keep on top of most things, but will be sitting down later and likely much of tomorrow replying to emails, requests and generally getting everything back on track for the next few weeks especially with the events that Integr8Archery will be hosting, exciting times.
This week I received a message from the Royal Volunteer Service to tell me that I have been nominated for a Coronation Champions Award! Winning these is never something that I aim for but I have now been told by who and why I have been nominated and it has blown me away! Wow! Humbled 🤗
This week sees me start a new day job, I say day job, I will be working shifts but I am very excited about the challenges it will bring whilst also allowing me to hopefully make a difference.
You must know by now I love volunteering! I am half way through my 9 days at Lilleshall volunteering at the European Grand Prix. I love being here with these people, we work together often and know each other well. It’s like family, sure we might annoy each other some times and when we are tired – be a little snappy, but we take care of each other and achieve amazing things.
Interested in giving it a go? Put your name down and try it, you don’t have to do all the days but you can do a bit and see if you enjoy it.
What do I gain?
As a competitive archer I know that I can only shoot if volunteers work on the tournament, this is my chance to give back. I have a circle of friends I might otherwise not have met, and they are amazing, they have been taking great care of me this week knowing I am unwell. As someone who can struggle to leave the house when my mental health isn’t good this gives me purpose and this range, out of all of them, is one of my safest places. Also the satisfaction that we put on an amazing event.
It’s been a busy week and I am excited about several events in the coming week which I will explain more about soon.
Take care and have a good Easter, enjoy your shooting.
Thank you to everyone who has been patient with me following Tuesday’s cancelled plans and the following couple of days. I seem to have found a pattern to help with the symptoms and so over the next few days will catch up with things whilst being here at Lilleshall so you may find more than normal that my emails are being sent at strange hours, but you expect that from me anyway 😂🫣
Most of you know that I love being a small part in this huge team of, mostly, volunteers who put these events on and I would absolutely encourage anyone to join in. Is it tiring – yes, satisfying – absolutely, but it’s really about the people and they are awesome and it will it take long for you to settle in and feel part of the time – laughter is the key.
I will post links etc later in the week for you to watch the matches.
Thank you to Duncan and Jack for helping me out at the range yesterday, it did turn into more than we had expected but I do love the feeling you get when walking of a range that is ready to go.
Exciting things planned and I did manage to get some things done on a planning front, waiting time on hospital is communicating time!
Enjoy your weekend and May your arrows fly strong, big shout out to Jack and Rose who are shooting against each other today in the semi finals of the WOAC indoor challenge – enjoy it ❤️🏹
Yesterday was a perfect example of why I love doing what I do. A meeting with Northamptonshire Sport and Wellingborough Muslim Community to finalise the plans for our start archery event on the 8th May and the 3 planned sessions afterwards for those who want to participate after the event.
The next cuppa and catch up with the Children’s Coaching Collaborative and it was another great conversation around the voice, choice, journey. Sharing thoughts and ideas with like minded individuals is always motivating and multi sport environments is a great reminder that we are all trying to reach the same goals.
If you recall the blog I did at 26 weeks as my first 6 months round up you will remember I provided a bunch of stats and figures. If you didn’t see it if you type 26 weeks in the search box it’ll bring it up for you.
So what has the last 13 weeks held? Obviously on a personal scale the loss of my dad overshadows absolutely everything else and I miss our weekly chats about what I am doing with Integr8Archery.
On a personal archery note I had cancelled my indoor season to allow family to be priority but I have managed to pick up my bow and shoot and with some practise and scored rounds I have managed to achieve a C classification. My 5th indoor season and something that I have never before managed!! I am really happy with that – let’s be honest if we round up the 5 years I have been shooting – struggling with pain, having to become a seated archer, covid and whatever we describe the last 17 months as, the battle to shoot has been tough but at the moment my shooting seems to be settled, consistent and at the moment, the strongest it’s ever been.
What about Integr8Archery?
Well the club has its school partnership to allow shooting on weekends and planning is happening for the competitions we will host and a number of community activities.
It was fantastic to see the DISC group have their first archery session several years since the bows were last picked up, this was also the first session delivered by 2 coaches coming on board to help Integr8Archery achieve it’s goals.
Lots of meetings, several new groups looking to see what we might be able to accomplish together.
The education project has seen an additional 63 children pick up a bow and try our sport and today the children who are part of the archery club at Wrenn school will be receiving the first certificates awarded from the Integr8Archery progression scheme that we have created. Incredibly proud of what they have achieved.
Thank you for all of your support so far, see you on a range soon.
Emails, meetings, phone calls, webinars – sums up the week so far.
Doesn’t sound exciting but it is the results of lots of planning coming to fulfilment and the next few weeks and months should see things happening and it will be great to see bows in new hands and also some returners to the range.
This morning I received my certificate from North Hertfordshire College as my course results have finally been returned from the moderator following the notification I had passed the Level 2 Certificate in Self Harm and Suicide Awareness Prevention in January.
As a safeguarding officer I am not required to undertake CPD but I always have, this is by taking formal qualifications and also by taking part in webinars and groups such as the sessions with PACE to further improve me knowledge. As a significant portion of the work that I do for projects sees me and the coaches who undertake work for Integr8Archery involves children and vulnerable adults I see this as an incredibly important part of my role.
So this weekend sees us change the clocks and so we get lighter nights, perfect as we are in the transition from indoor to outdoor season as archers. I have my first session booked this coming week with some shooting buddies whose company I enjoy on the range but first to finish my indoor season today and see if I can achieve something for myself 🤞🏻❤️🏹
Take care of yourself whatever it is that you are doing. 😊
This week has predominantly focused on communication, catching up on ideas put on hold for various reasons, looking what is ready to start, making new links and reviewing existing groups and sessions.
Today was a local community event aimed at getting to know each other hosted by the local library, here I have picked up lots of information to help me signpost potential service users, as some times when chatting to people I know they may benefit from other things but I am not always sure what is available, today I learned lots of local links for exactly this purpose. Whilst this was the aim that saw me attend the event I have also come away with a number of community groups who think that their service users might benefit from the access to archery that I might be able to help provide too. Exactly the drive behind setting up my “little business” and the reason why it is a community interest company and not for profit. So, over coming weeks and months I shall hopefully be able to report back on some of the ideas and links that have come from today.
I loved hearing the news on Sunday that the DISC group had a fantastic time at their first archery session and it’s great to know the work and effort put into re-starting this as one of the activities after several years away is going to be a success. Thank you to Nick and Jackie who though established coaches are new to the Integr8Archery team and their first session for us as been a resounding success 🥳❤️🏹
Thank you also to Jack who has joined the group at Weavers to help there. First week for him seems to have gone well and he and Chris are going to be great I am sure.
Lots planned for me this coming week before I head off to Lilleshall for volunteering at the Grand Prix, outdoors season is approaching fast.
Flight, my favourite archery and what kept me going – scrapyard challenge meets archery 😉😂🥰🏹
If you were asked – what do you get out of archery? What would you say? If you were asked – what would you loose if it was taken from you? What would you say?
Have a think, you don’t have to tell me, you can, but you don’t have to. So now you have thought and you think you know the answer. Someone tries to take it, what would you do? Let them? Or would you fight to keep what it gives you?
Sound dramatic? Or it’s Saturday and you don’t like thinking too hard after being at work all week 🙃
I am asked often about what I get from what I do, there must be a reason I give between 20-40 hours a week for free on top of family, working full time and my own archery.
I know what archery can give, the ability to calm a stressed mind. My work sees me deal with complex, stressful situations. Highly emotive and draining some days. I can list the situations that have meant I go home and can’t clear the things I dealt with that day and have brought home with me, maybe I will sit and cry, drink a bottle of wine, some way of trying to deal with what the day brought me. If we go back to 2018 when I passed my beginners course, I had been shooting only a few weeks and sent a message home to say I was going to be late, I was headed into a debrief, I had taken a suicide call, it had ended tragically. 45 minutes later I received a text with a photo of my bow set up on the waiting line – “Molly is waiting for you when you finish”.
2 hours of shooting, if I don’t clear my mind those arrows aren’t going anywhere near where they are supposed to. Went home, ate dinner with my family and relaxed, no crying, no alcohol. My bow has provided that service often, she demands that I clear my head, she is selfish, if I do not give her my entire focus she misbehaves. That – that is what she gives me, the ability to let go of what my mind is carrying.
It’s also given me, my people, we are all a little quirky, those of us who fling arrows, so for the most part, we are quite accepting of the things that make each of us different. That cannot be overrated, the ability to be yourself, to let your personality free. Are you a literal thinker, a logical mind, someone who loves rules, repetition and routine. Ours is a sport made for minds who thrive on structure. It’s part of why the pandemic had such a huge impact when we were locked in and for periods of time kept off the range. That loss of routine and ability to have a space where we empty our minds. Society demands things, wants you to fit in boxes created by others, ranges and archers let you be you, with no demands or explanations needed.
There is no secret of what I have gone through on a physical, pain basis to shoot and remain shooting, the battle with my mind to sit to shoot. I have told the story and been invited into other people’s struggles as a result – surely a privilege.
But, having fought that struggle to remain and shoot. I was told very clearly by a person who I had trust in, that I had no place on a range, any range. No role in the sport in any capacity as an archer, a volunteer, project manager ….. any role. That I should walk away. They used information that our friendship gave them, over a period of 6 months to really make incredibly brutal statements about why I should walk away. November 21 to May 22 – words can create damage, and how they are delivered can create so much more.
In addition there were other things happening that were creating massive issues with my ability to feel safe on a range, issues being created by my past that had been raised and were part of what that person was using too, along with others who do not know what they are referring to but know there’s something.
All of this combined to put me in a place where I was my most mentally vulnerable since 1996. Where should I go for my mind? The range, but of course it had been made clear that there was no place for me there. So I deteriorated massively, nowhere to go, nowhere to be safe.
Remember that I said in my space I found my people? Well they were still there, I thought I lost them with my ranges and my sport. Nope! They held on, and wouldn’t let go, even though I had. A small group who together helped me find where I can go when I need safe shooting space – safe for my head. I now have a list of ranges that when I am at my most vulnerable I can walk on and each has a couple of people who will stand beside me and shoot with no need for me to explain but will just be there, whenever I need them. Others will sit with me by the power of the virtual world in the middle of the night and listen to me talk and cry and there have been literally days and nights when it’s been just about reminding me to breathe.
In the middle of all of this, because it wasn’t widely known what I was going through, though many had seen me cry on the shooting line, I took a call from someone I knew who needed help, broken down mentally and need support, someone who had used me before in my capacity as a safeguarding officer. They were getting help from the right people medically but needed someone who understood what the loss of their sport meant. Well I certainly understood that! So in the middle of my mess I could help someone else.
Then a chat about my future in the sport outside of my own shooting, a talk that saw me 24 hours later with a non profit company and an application to the government for a Community Interest Company. My projects reviewed and decisions made about my way forward. That same night a discussion about my clothes, where were my crazy leggings? More decisions made there – a reminder that this sport, with my people, accept me and my crazy 😂 so yes they would be back on the range in their wild technicolour 🥰
So the work began, to claim my right to be on the range and to be in my sport and to rebuild the safe spaces for my mind to breathe.
The outdoor season was torrid, I love competition, I am not interested in anyone else’s scores, just shooting against myself. However in the middle of that is the magic that is my flight season, you want to be accepted? There you will be truly welcome with no fear of what anyone will say. My flight family are, for the most part approximately 200 miles away, but there always. Those competition’s definitely gave me positive focus. Of course, 2022 also saw me shoot the amazing footbow which it turns out makes me laugh, really laugh with every shot fired.
Indoor season, we had been told the devastating news in the summer that dad had cancer and it was terminal, and so we focused and come the end of the summer we really had to put our focus as a family here, we were going to squeeze what we could from however little time we had and we knew it was going to be short. So I declared my indoor season cancelled, no competitions, no regular training, me and my clingy band doing what we could to keep muscles from quitting but only rarely shooting an arrow. My archery family reaching out when I needed it, but respecting every time I said I needed to focus on family. I will forever be grateful for that, when I was able to walk onto a range with my bow, just picking up like I hadn’t been away.
When the time came and we lost the amazing person that was my dad, I was away for weeks. My archery family, staying with virtually – calls, messages, hours on FaceTime and someone actually driving many miles to just sit and check that I was ok.
I have been home for almost 4 weeks, and have managed to shoot with some regularity. It’s been in this time that it has hit me dad has gone, he’s not there to tell how things are going with my little business or my shooting, those weekly chats have gone.
What I do know is this, my life is a mess and I am dealing with all that has happened in the last 17 months and the history that has been dragged back into my life. However my safe space that I lost and needed and was given back to me by my fight and the help of those archers who always accepted me, is back. It’s mine, I have claimed it. For sure there are a small number of places I will never return to with a bow, that will never be mentally safe for me again, but that is the price I will pay for what is now my calm space, that with the work that I have put in since June has now become a calmer, mentally safer place than it ever was even before.
Also, whilst I am celebrating the return of this, that I have survived and stand here stronger in my archery than I ever was, if I am careful next weekend I may actually achieve something I never have before so 🤞🏻 because it will, for me, be a reward that going through that very worst of times I made it. It will also be something to show those who have stood by me throughout this, that maybe it was worth it for them too, and to those who told me I have no place, that one strongest voice, well you know what? I do have a place, the rest of my life is in a state of carnage that I am taking day by day but here, on the range and in my sport, I do have a place and you have no right to take it from me and no idea of what you almost cost me.
Thank you to every single person who has given me anything this last 17 months, I can now say that yes, I do know what my sport gives me, and yes I will fight for my right to be on a range as much as I have battled for others in the last 6 years.
Maybe, just maybe, next Saturday evening I can pop back and tell you that I have achieved something that I didn’t know I would finish this season with, if I do it may seem small to some but for me it will be massive. 🤗
The point of this, don’t ever give up because someone tells you that you must, and that if you need it, this archery family is full of the most amazing people who will help you if you allow them to.
My last competition of the outdoor season, pulled on my county shirt before concentrating on family, my squad family never gave up 🥰🏹
