This week I had to choose between national flight championships and an invitation to shoot for the county.
Having shot flight nationals in 2021 and 2022 and making great friends there as well as bringing home medals has been amazing and flight is my favourite type of archery. So much so that I include it in the list of things I deliver and share.
The county squad have been with me almost since the beginning – I hadn’t been shooting long when I received my first invitation to wear the county shirt. They have stood by me through every challenge, never judge me but always support me and in return I do what I can to support each and every one of them, always. They are my family.
So I guess the decision was easy even if I was going to miss something I love, this was about my people. The county struggle to field a squad for the Thorsby shoot every year so even injured and trying to regain form I was in.
As I sat on the line waiting for arrows to be collected I saw that there were 4 of us sat on the line, 3 out of the 5 counties had seated archers on their squad. This is hugely important for me as I am privileged to be allowed to help archers who need to make changes to stay shooting and also to introduce new people who have thought they have a disability that excludes them from sport. #sitting down does not mean sitting out. Ours is the most inclusive and adaptive sport I know.
The other noteworthy thing of this week was the completion of the NSPCC welfare officer training: time to talk delivered by UK Coaching. 3 hours very well spent and as always I do find multi sport environments incredibly rewarding as we share good practices.
Lots to do this week for work, for me and for Integr8Archery so I hope you all have a great week ❤️🏹
I had huge plans for the summer and it simply hasn’t quite worked out, I am picking everything back up and the effects of that should be seen in the next few weeks. Thank you for your patience, most of you know that Integr8Archery is just me, sometimes the size of it all is a little overwhelming but I love it all the same. A lot of the projects simmer down over the summer so logically it was always going to carry the risk that if I relaxed the issues I have personally would bubble up and they did.
Nothing serious – she says 😂😂 but combined have a large impact on my day to day.
My head space – having had to go back to counselling last year that was doing ok but we had plateaued and needed something new, unsure of what that should look like I took a step in to The Frank Bruno Foundation and the foundations for my next steps have been laid and a new phase to my journey has begun.
All of those joints, if you know me you know I describe my body as second hand and the first person crashed it 😂 few joints aren’t impacted.
When I started shooting in 2018 I was fairly sure I would have two years and set about cramming as much as possible into that. With the help of Ben, as it started to breakdown we have managed to keep it going and it does throw new things regularly and we tweak and move on. I am not going to lie, the tweaking gets harder but I have my bucket list for 2025 and I really want to shoot until the end of that year and tick those boxes!
There are no surprises – my lower back, my shoulder and my hand have really had a party in 2023!!! Scores are poor but the last few weeks Martin and I have started to make some changes that seem to be the start of making it all better, I have no doubt more tweaks will be needed and I am grateful to have someone who will help me.
My hands? Grip has been a problem for many years – often drop things, glasses enter our house at great risk 😬 This year has seen the issues increase significantly and it’s not uncommon to see me dropping things 🤷♀️ this week a couple of new things have happened and it will be a trip to the doctor Wednesday – maybe there are clues because what has always been invisible now has a very visible indicator!
My blood, it was struggling and certainly into the beginning of summer was hard to manage, it’s not amazing but I have worked hard and it’s stabilised at fair to good 🤞🏻 so if I build on this then hopefully it can only get better, the next set of blood tests will confirm or deny if I have achieved what I think I have.
Just for a little added extra the tree bite has kicked off this summer, maybe with everything else I have just been walking differently and so antagonised it, who knows but it’s always interesting to suddenly have reduced sensation in my foot!
Anyhow, the point is I needed to focus on this stuff, the work isn’t done, it’s never going to be, but I can get my head down and crack on with all things archery, so expect it all to pick up in the next week or so. Helped also by my day job sitting down and helping me find a way to stay in a job I love but saw me loose me for a while whilst I gave everything to them and my family and left nothing in the tank for me – fantastic as I do love working in that crazy house 🙃
Thank you especially to Clair, Ben, Pip, Dan, Will, Martin, AOR and of course Jack and Rose ❤️🏹
Today I am off to shoot some arrows and eat burgers at AOR before heading up to Derbyshire to spend time with mum and shoot for the county tomorrow. The love the county squad show me is never taken for granted 🤗
To my flight family, I shall really miss you tomorrow and I am sad that I have missed out on my flight season this year. Love you all and I have already set about planning to see you all next year 🥰🏹
Have a great weekend and never underestimate what you all give me, on the tough days you keep me going thank you 😊
If we go back to July (it seems so long ago!) you may recall me writing about dragging success out of the jaws of defeat during my first visit to the Frank Bruno Foundation. Today I attended the presentation for those of us who have most recently completed a programme delivered by the foundation. I took part in the first blue light card programme funded by the blue light card foundation, and I am very grateful to the foundation for providing the opportunity.
Part of the success is that as most of us work shifts we are welcome to attend what we can of the 8 weeks because it’s incredibly unlikely that we will be able to get a rota that will enable us to attend all of the sessions. I managed several and they have included laughter, tears, a week were I banged my head and still carry the bruising 🫣 we know I am clumsy! And the week where I went straight from a night shift with no breakfast and did myself no favours!
I have gained so much in those few short weeks not least the ability to admit to people that I have PTSD and it does of course bring issues with it. Previously something only a very tiny circle of people knew about and I would brush over with I have struggles with mental health and move the conversation on.
Maybe the timing was right, the happenings of the last 2 years and the loss of dad, with support I find myself in a place where I understand that I deserve the same care as those I care for and those I give my time to help and support. 8 years of therapy haven’t gotten me there, I add here that I don’t dismiss my amazing counsellor because what she has achieved means I am still here at all.
I definitely need to work on what looking after me means because having never done it I don’t really know how.
So the presentation does not mark the end but the beginning, the beginning of how I learn to put me first, this will include continuing to attend The Frank Bruno Foundation and today as I enquired about what I thought that would look like, the very lovely Tracey made an alternative suggestion and so next week I will start my next step.
It will definitely include dropping in when I can to see the people who welcomed me on that first Friday morning, who have no expectations from me and don’t care if I am grumpy, happy, there for me or them, because as we check in on each other and chat, my mood always lifts and I will at some point start to laugh. Priceless.
So, my advice would be, if you have the chance, go along, drop in and see what you can find for you.
What else have I done this week, meetings including the latest catch up with the Children’s Coaching Collaborative, another great session around the importance of listening to the voice of the child, including considering how article 12 of the UN Convention and The Rights of the Child, something I have worked with for a long time, but looking at with a different twist for sport and the coaching experience.
This will see me attend a workshop run by UNICEF UK hosted by the Play Their Way movement on the rights of the child.
I often think back to January 2022 when I was giving a friend a lift, and I was asked why do you do all this, why volunteer so many of your hours to do the things that you do, what do you get out of it. That person is paid for everything that they do in sport, it’s a business and my choice to give my time for free clashed with their own view.
I personally think there’s a place for both and I don’t question those who do it for payment, giving my time for free with Integr8Archery and everything else that I do, and all of the years of volunteering before is exhausting and it certainly would be easier if I didn’t have to do a paid job to allow me to do it for free. First years stats show I averaged 26 hours a week – that’s a lot but I love it!
There’s variety in what I do, introducing new people to our sport, enabling self sustainability of groups by providing mentoring, supporting existing archers who are struggling, some have been bullied with in the sport, some are facing changes if they want to remain but have worries and anxiety, some have put down a bow because of some of these mentioned issues but would like support to return.
There are days that it’s tough, really hard work, the balance from a day job that is shifts, can be intense and requires all of me when on shift. Coming home exhausted, finding time to shoot my bow, dealing with my own health issues, making a brew and cracking on with meetings, emails, calls to arrange shooting for others, in whatever way possible.
But I love it, the hard thing is doing it alone, some days wanting to sit and share, good days, bad days, those who have worked with me know that some days I literally bounce as the ideas flow and I see things coming together – sharing that is great but I don’t get much opportunity to do that now.
There are those who find it irritating that I do all of this! Why it bothers anyone I do not know, there’s plenty to be done, crack on with your own thing and I wish you the very best of luck with it! Genuinely because the more of us out there doing anything for our sport means there are more people shooting and getting something from it. It gives so many things to so many people, we should be celebrating what we are all achieving.
Which brings me to what do I get out of this? The messages and updates, how things are going, what achievements have been made, and success is measured in so many ways.
The last couple of weeks have been this for someone I haven’t known long but who let me in, wanting to return to archery but things have changed and they had concerns about returning. The photo at the top of this blog is the very amazing Niamh returning to the range, the one at the bottom – one of several sent to me yesterday from the flight competition she attended.
It is a privilege to be part of anyone’s journey and some chat with me and take ideas and go off to do the things we have chatted about, some contact me some time later and update me, some stay with me, share often, message me to discuss worries along the way, some when they are on ranges struggling and thinking they need to quit.
I was once told that I was carried in someone’s pocket, their greatest cheerleader, their greatest believer, the person who never questions anyone’s right to be on the shooting line. This is a great privilege – to be allowed to support a person when they feel they’re most vulnerable. Thank you to everyone who lets me in, lets me stay and shares their successes and achievements no matter if it’s a small step or a huge leap.
So the answer to that question, why do I do what I do, give all of my time for free? Why wouldn’t I, why wouldn’t I do what I can to give anyone the peace they find on a range?
Sorry this Saturday blog is two days late, Saturday I should have been home at 22:00 but it was nearer 1:00 Sunday and as result I didn’t get to go to my beloved flight shoot, which means this year I will not get a flight season. I took Sunday to look after me, I needed that. Sometimes we need to look after ourselves to allow us to give to others and those that know me, know it’s rare I do that.
Thank you, as always for reading what I write. For allowing me to share some of what is happening with Integr8Archery CIC.
This week has been somewhat crazy, decisions around many things, day job, Integr8Archery, my archery, health and a bunch of other stuff.
meetings, webinars and shifts at work in between and blessed that my amazing girl has walked and walked with me whilst I mull over all these things. She’s awesome and I am blessed to have her for a sounding board and to offer me her thoughts.
hopefully the right decisions have been made so far, though only time will tell and I still have some more to make so 🤞🏻
exciting things to come for sure and a great catch up with the over seas team who had news to share on how my input has helped them so early in our collaboration, united through our sport and shared aims despite being separated by a huge ocean.
Thank you to the people who have spent time this week updating me on how they are getting on, I am especially excited to see the two range returners, each having stepped away from archery for different reasons but with support have both picked up a bow to return 🥳
My history has made trust hard for many, many years.
I do not ask for help, ever, anything that makes me vulnerable simply isn’t going to be asked for. Just one of the very many things that keeps my therapist busy even after all these years!
Sport creates a quandary, you need someone to teach you, then you need someone to help you improve or deal with issues that arise, someone with the knowledge that you don’t have.
How do you find that person, where do you find them? Word of my mouth, internet search engines, sports governing bodies ……….?
You found one, how do you judge them? Know when things are right or wrong? For it to work you have to trust them, but if you trust them and then you aren’t sure about something but they explain or justify it, well they are the expert right? When do you ask someone else’s thoughts, whose opinion is the right one?
Different coaches have different ideas, different methods – right? With a little niggle, a little doubt, maybe it fades, may be it grows, and on you go. Until next time, the next thing and so the circle begins. How do you know when to ask or who to ask?
That was my merry go round, and it went on for 2 years, I tried to ask the coach, that never went well! So then I became reluctant to question anything, so I decided the better idea would be an email, a coach may be a friend but it’s also a working relationship and emails are absolutely appropriate in that setting.
Well that got me an early morning (5:30) angry, incredibly angry phone call. Screaming! How dare I speak to the coach in that way! Well I have that email, I have read it many times, it’s polite, respectful and carefully worded, my coach had had me in tears on the range on more than one occasion, some times in front of others, trust me I was careful because I was very much aware of the rage that could be triggered.
Apparently their coaching and authority had never been questioned or disrespected in such a way.
My quietly spoken question of if that was because no one else had experienced the same or had they simply not felt able to ask was met with more rage.
The response to all of this was not what I had hoped, not a sit down let’s look at how to answer those questions and make it safe for me to ask more questions about what and why we were doing things, but a slow destructive pattern that the following summer ended with me being told I have no place in this sport in any role, as an archer, a volunteer as someone who champions what this sport has to offer and what it can give.
The most destructive of endings I think to a coach/athlete relationship.
So I have fought to stay, on the line and in every other role that I value in my sport. Carved out where I am safe and who I am safe with. That trust that I barely had when I let that coach in, shattered.
To stay shooting with everything my body faces I need help, my physio – who never left, and someone who can offer the coaching but knowing I have a serious issue letting anyone have that access.
I am blessed to know many coaches, numerous sports and levels in my friendship circle. 2 who I can tentatively ask questions and who know what daring to reach out costs me, who are patient and gentle and supportive. They also respect each other, actually something else that I have learned isn’t as common as it should be either, another massive issue within coaching.
This year I have dared to let my friend, my county captain and safeguarding officer in a little, he coached me previously and he gets it. Occasional sessions where I ask questions and there may be tweaking but we shoot together, kind of coaching but without the label.
Whilst everything fell apart in Dunster I reached out to him and my physio to ask me to save my shooting with me.
Today we did that, tweaked and looked at options and sent me out into the world with work to do knowing I will ask my next question when I am ready.
I have become aware that the other coach has stepped further into my world and to stay safe I may need to shrink my world a little more, may loose one of my most important safe spaces. We are looking at ways around that.
My point? Don’t be afraid to ask questions, be brave enough to trust on your terms, there will be someone out there who will accept those terms and work with you.
If you don’t feel safe tell someone, anyone, and keep telling them until someone listens. I promise some of us do. One day we will all be safe ❤️🏹
For me this has been a busy week, admin, meetings and planning. Not much to share at this point, reviewing projects and planning new things, trying to set dates for a number of things. Things to share in coming weeks but not a lot today in these stages. It interesting for someone to read but incredibly important for managing projects. Evolution is critical to the process, ongoing learning to achieve the best for everyone.
Super news from some of the archers that I support, goals being achieved, for some that involves medals, for some it’s successfully adapting and finding ways to stay in the sport, I am grateful they trust me and I very much enjoy when they share their success with me. Thank you to everyone who takes the time to do that, I am pleased for all of you. I am always here, I have said before I am like your greatest cheerleader, celebrating or giving out hugs when needed.
My archery? A hugely busy Saturday for me this week with my bow and some planning so let’s hope that brings something to the table to improve things for me. It’s easy to focus on what is going badly but as I looked at my notes I remembered the PB’s I set early in the outdoor season, let’s see what some physio and some help on the range can achieve.
Safeguarding has been keeping me busy and I wait to see what happens with some things there. It’s a massively important issue and we need to always keep it in mind.
Friday sees my last of the sessions at The Frank Bruno Foundation with the Blue Light Card, without a doubt I shall be staying to continue to work on me, so more planning on Friday to see what is their best plan for me going forward.
Right off to ping a few arrows before going to work, happy that the issues from yesterday and the web access have been resolved, sorry this week’s blog is a day late but very much out of my control.
This has been an incredibly serious and busy week, pretty much all along the lines of safeguarding.
A multi sports meeting around the topic of safeguarding and wellbeing. I find these kinds of meetings fascinating, frustrating and inspiring if they are my sport, multi sport or work related. You have the opinions about titles – safeguarding, welfare, child protection officers ……… and many more.
The debate about what is expected of those who take up such roles and does this vary depending on where within structure – club, county, regional, national levels. Are expectations varied depending upon if you are paid or a volunteer?
Then we enter the debate about who is responsible for safeguarding! Just those with the job title, wider committee, dare I say it? EVERYONE!
Then how do we deal with things, take details and hand it off and walk away, stay and help, support ……
Is a safeguarding course enough or should there be continuous CPD?
These meetings can take hours of unmanaged and at some point I usually feel my temper triggered. However I always come away equally inspired to have usually found others, who like me, take it incredibly seriously and one of, if not the most important topics we deal with.
Many of us who volunteer in these roles also work in something similar or connected to the issues we deal with and as such we take it incredibly seriously, the understanding of what matters left undealt with can lead too in the long term. We also understand why it’s vital those of us in these roles have a supportive network to turn to.
Anyhow it was, as always, a productive evening with links created.
Some virtual catch ups for me with a couple of archers who I have been supporting for a long time, great to catch up, see how they are getting on, discuss a couple of worries and create a plan for going forward.
Then a huge crash as something happened that threatened my feeling of safety and the work I have done to look after me. Thankfully I have people who reached out.
Some news that prompted some reviews of big issues that I have been dealing with for some time and firm decisions that I have made around who I now involve in these to further issues that are just not being resolved. Ultimately I need to know I did every to keep everyone safe and sometimes that requires more than 1 agency.
Risk assessments for young people at work and as always the disappointment that opportunities were missed for these and help that might have been sought sooner, that could have made a massive difference and reduction in trauma sorrowfully missed and now we look at how best to support recovery. This just makes the conversations around sport more focussed as I fully understand the damage of things left undealt with can do.
Last night dealing with a raid traffic accident outside of work for several hours and wondering how the gentleman is today, his prognosis and recovery and his family, hopefully they are all ok and being supported now and through the states of whatever happens. The crew for police interceptors was on scene so maybe I might find out in some months when that airs but I am fairly confident I managed to avoid being in shot, I am well practised in avoiding them when out with the roads policing officers and when they are in the officers trying to get footage when I have been at work 🤔🙃 No desire to pop up in tv shows 🫣
So apologies if you are waiting on something, I have been a tad busy with other stuff, I will get there in the next few days.
Hope you are all well and enjoying your weekend. See you all soon I am sure ❤️🏹
Remember – if those of us who care join together we can change things 🫶
Busy busy week. I am just about back on top of it all!
Exciting though because new projects and events being arranged on top of the preparation for September and schools returning. When I start to feel a little overwhelmed, stretch, refill the coffee and think about those bows in all of those new hands! Motivation to get back to the communications if ever there was.
Today is the anniversary of me receiving confirmation that Integr8Archery was granted CIC status and that I had wrapped everything up to protect it from anyone who may come forward in the future to try and take my projects for income.
Thank you for the messages checking that I am ok, I am, I take it one day at a time physically and mentally and I am improving but I do appreciate the time anyone takes to reach out and check.
Companies house paperwork completed and approved for the coming year so we can continue, great news, particularly with the work being offered and projects that are continuing.
My shooting? Well I am hoping things will have settled enough to allow me to pick up my bow on Wednesday 🤞🏻which will allow me to hopefully get back on plan.
I have also taken advantage of some great value time with my children, especially Rose who is always fantastic company. They both enjoy giving time to help with Integr8Archery and introducing them to our sport so it’s nice to pay them back doing other things they enjoy.
Off to work before coming home to finish off here.
I do not hide my battles with mental health, I don’t share everything with everybody either. It’s important to me that I don’t hide it, I have nothing to be ashamed of! By sharing, occasionally I am told it helps others too.
That said, sure I am stronger than I was last year but to be considered strong I still have a long way to go and I work at it daily. It doesn’t take much to make me wobble.
Last year was nearly my end, I survived, I didn’t hide, I know from past experiences that hiding gets easier and easier with every day that passes until months have passed and I haven’t left the house so this was important.
When you volunteer at big events you do a lot of hours, you are exhausted and the longer you are away from home – it all adds up and takes you to the edge. So last year I volunteered at the European Youth Championships – 10 days. This was just 3 months after the day that I survived so fragile, vulnerable – lots of words could be used to describe me.
On the Wednesday I was exhausted, shattered and being pushed from pillar to post by demands from 3 people, demands that clashed with each other and I found myself in a place I knew I shouldn’t be, doing something that I shouldn’t be, I had tried to avoid exactly that all morning but the people making the demands were not listening.
I found myself in a space distraught and wanting, needing to go home, trying to explain. At the same time knowing if I quit and left I would likely not make it half way home before being desperately upset and disappointed in myself and wishing I had stayed.
Stay I did, sorted myself out and got on with it! Not pretty and certainly in part caused by how immensely fragile I was.
Fast forward 48 weeks, I am stronger but not yet strong. Still recovering from what happened 16/5/22.
I know my journey, that took me from 1996 to 2021, the destruction from November 2021 to May 2022. The path to August 2022 and onto July 2023. Who I share what with? That’s up to me.
Imagine though, battling your own fight and having someone say, well it must have been a good day, Helen didn’t cry today! Certainly nothing like she did last August! For the next week, similar comments every day, well it’s better than last year when you broke down and cried and had to be taken off the field!
Now I don’t believe the person who said it meant harm. It’s bemusing to me as we have spent time on the range together since last August and it’s not been mentioned so why now and why so often? I replied several times, in ways that I believe should have ended the comments, but it didn’t stop. So I tried to ignore it. Thing is, now more people know about that day and in a way that only makes me look weak. Giving other ways to dig at me. In fact someone else who didn’t even know me last August and was nowhere near the range started to make comments in reference to it!
I have thought long and hard for the last 2 weeks, but it’s not ok. What happened happened, and it doesn’t matter why. If you saw me distressed last year and now I appear stronger why on earth would you use it to behave in such a way!
Be kind – always but also, be mindful because you know little to nothing of what another person has lived through – and now your behaviour has set me back, but also given another person something to use against me.
So this last week, I have had meetings, lots of them, in person and via the web, thank goodness for the internet and technology. Activity partnerships and community groups reviewing existing projects and planning next steps and what I can help achieve, some exciting things there.
Activity partnerships, new groups and new projects, announcements to come over the next few weeks.
3 archers deciding to leave or adapt to remain within the sport who have allowed me in to help with their decisions and to find them the correct support, hopeful that they can stay in our sport that they love.
Last night (or was that this morning) my first collaboration meeting with a project across three cities over the water. Massively scaled down from what the plans had been last year when I had been building work for someone else but the people involved still wanted what I had always going to give and though they have offered me something huge I have, at this time kept it small to allow me to step forward slowly. Exciting though that my work here over the last 5-6 years within local and wider communities sees me invited into a project that covers communities in the UK and the USA.
So as my meeting was at 2am here I am now off to bed as I have work tomorrow!
Take care of yourself and for me, this week sees the beginning of my flight season 🥳
