In life we set ourselves goals, aims, outcomes – whatever you choose to name them. Sport is another place we often set ourselves targets.
From deciding I was going to pick up a bow and booked my beginners course I had a goal, this has continued in the 5 years that I have been shooting. I usually have several at any time and they will all lead towards a main goal. That one big thing that everything else feeds into. I review my goals regularly around a number of things, kit, health, time and of course I shoot two different styles of archery so there are times I juggle those against each other.
How do you choose what is a reasonable goal, realistic, stretching.
Who do you allow to influence you? Coach, shooting friends, squad members, shooting buddies?
What if you want to focus on something different to those people, do you stand your ground?
I recall a conversation with a coach where I was told my goal wasn’t enough, that they could push me to achieve a different goal because they believed in their ability as a coach rather than actually taking the time to understand what my goal meant. No real surprise then when I achieved something that I had worked from the beginning towards, taking 3 and a half years to achieve and that person didn’t even acknowledge what I had achieved as exactly that, an achievement! Bemusing really.
So I guess my question/request is, what do you want, is what you are working towards what you want or what someone else wants from you? I ask because it’s important, and the impact can have a massive impact on your mental and/or emotional wellbeing. So it’s definitely worth thinking about it and just checking on what you want.
As you will be aware from the information that I published I signed up to the Children’s Coaching Collaborative last autumn. This year the Child-First Coaching Coffee Catch Ups began. These sessions are for anyone who’s signed up to join together at the sessions as and when they can, to discuss important topics but over a virtual coffee session, the sessions are kept to an hour per session to allow people to fit them into busy schedules.
I find these particularly interesting as it is one of the initiatives that I am involved in that sees people from many sports come together and discuss common issues and share ideas.
The has been a very strong theme throughout – voice, choice and journey. Very much linked with the theme behind any good coach around listening to and coaching the individual.
As a coach this is of huge importance but also in my safeguarding role this is a massive issue. A large amount of my time is taken when voice and choice are removed. Surely something that we should all have taken from the publication of the Whyte report and the subsequent reform 25. Do not sit complacently believing that issues are only in other sports, there are examples of issues across all sports. It is with these in mind that I was interested in the Children’s Coaching Collaborative.
Today the next step is launched – Play Their Way. Please see above my statement that Integr8Archery CIC has signed up to the movement and I would ask you to take the time to consider signing up yourself as a coach but also your organisation and lead those you work with to look at joining too.
This week’s meetings and reviews, which I frequently complete on my projects and with the coaches and groups we deliver to, are about safeguarding and delivering the right service, in the right way to help achieve the goals. This is what the Children’s Coaching Collaborative and other groups that I am part of are aiming to achieve across all levels of all sports.
This has been something I have been thinking about for some time, it’s due to comments that I here often, have done for years!
Oh ask Helen, she’s not doing anything she’s only talking. I have introduced the coaches but as you can see Helen is only here to talk! Are you here to work or to talk?
Some of the very many comments I hear.
So let’s consider, you see me talking but I know that a lot of what I am doing is communicating.
The second of those comments was made at a club who was helping me host a taster event for over 80 out of school educated children, whilst the coaches were showing how to shoot, I was talking to parents, carers and children. Finding out what the individuals wanted, what were their concerns and how I could help answer those. Discussing specific needs around disabilities.
The first of those comments I have heard in a number of places but often when I am volunteering for Archery GB. At the Grand Prix, 2 specific examples – I was talking to someone who had dropped in to see me, but that took 5 minutes, the rest of the time was about why I volunteer and what it involves and how they might take part, how they register. Then how they could bring juniors from their club to watch the finals, how did spectators attend events.
The second example was me talking to an athlete who I have supported through some safeguarding and wellbeing issues and was feeling stressed by the occasion and some triggers. A very important conversation that I am not going to explain to onlookers for obvious reasons.
I can give examples of individuals when I am volunteering where I see archers upset for various reasons and I reach out, I have helped them in the moment and at future events they speak with me about how things have improved or they may be wobbling again and they remember that I am a safe person to reach out to.
Speaking with people at events allows me to help them get what they want from sessions, or to allow me to support those already shooting in whatever capacity they need might be a quick hug for reassurance or it might be a safeguarding issue.
At a recent event, sat chatting with a group whilst coaches were introducing people to archery we talked about some ideas they had for groups and activities they wanted going forward but also the conversation flowed around and we spoke of domestic violence, bereavement and mental health to name a few topics. How sport can empower and help change lives. I have seen this in sessions that I have put on for a group from refuge and a group of foster children through to the education project and disabled people who have asked for help to access sport.
Just Monday I was speaking to a lady who felt she might find help with her mental health and grief following the loss of her dad in December, just 2 weeks before I lost dad – we stood in the middle of the field crying and hugging.
All of the things I do see me chat a little but communicate a lot. Without a doubt the conversations I have are I think, rare on a range and definitely part of who I am, I have been told more than once that I “attract these conversations”. I don’t see that as a bad thing, it is without a doubt in part due to my personal and professional experience and my willingness to be me, to put myself out there and be vulnerable because that’s what some of those conversations do.
Some of these topics are heavy and emotionally draining some make me buzz and the excitement makes me bounce with ideas – something those around me find draining and some try to quiet me.
All that I ask is, if you see me talking, stop and think, ask yourself am I talking or am I communicating?
I can tell you that when they have been draining to hear “she’s only talking” is demoralising. If I have achieved something and someone was taking the time to thank me – to hear it is demotivating and has on more than one occasion made me considering walking off the range and wondering why I bother, because some of these conversations make me vulnerable so to be dismissed because you saw me talking hurts, some days – a lot.
So ask yourself next time do you need to say it? It might seem harmless to you, but it stings! Please do not dismiss what is happening when “Helen is just talking”!
What do you know about sport for the visually impaired? This is something that annoys me and those who know me well have listening to me complain and make a fuss for years! There is simply not enough information or signposting for somethings, for those who might use them, who might consider trying them or for those who might choose to give their time as a volunteer. Two such things that I have enjoyed giving hours to are the transplant games and visually impaired sport. Today I am going to give some information about British Blind Sport as it’s a subject that has come up half a dozen times in the last month or so.
One of the things that I do as a volunteer is spotting for visually impaired archers. I have worked on a semi regular basis with two. It came about as a result of covid, then lockdown rules allowed disabled athletes to practise and someone I knew needed help to find a range that would allow her to shoot (many refused to allow their disability members to access their ranges, a conversation for another day) and also a means of getting there and that role of spotter. Having agented numerous times for disability athletes I said I would give it a go, however I was more than a little anxious as this is more than just collecting arrows for someone and my ability to describe what was happening was going to be key to how useful I was! Turns out all those years doing surveillance in the day job gave me a useful skill on the archery range!
In recent months I have put a couple of coaches in touch with British Blind Sports in regards to archers who needed support. Whilst physical disabilities and adaptations around these are focused on and access is improving significantly, help for visually impaired is still not obvious.
British Blind Sport offer amazing support to people to access a multitude of sports
The sport that I love, where I found my people, that allows me to be me, is the most adaptive sport that I know. I have yet to come across anyone who cannot shoot, it’s one of the very reasons that I love it so very much and why I am so very passionate about it and what it has to offer.
There are a couple of significant events this year that need volunteers and you may be looking for somewhere to give your time so I would urge you to consider looking here:
What have I been doing this week? Mostly lots of planning and attending a couple of multi sports meetings. Lots happening over the coming weeks as the summer moves towards us!
Not so many arrows shot myself, as I would like still but getting there and this coming weekend will see me shoot my first outdoors competition of the season at one of my favourite places and will have the chance to see lots of friends. My only aim, considering the lack of shooting that I have had, is to enjoy the day, see how it all goes and enjoy the company – and not to cry for dozens of arrows like I did last year!
Catch you all soon, have a great week and enjoy this run of bank holiday weekends ❤️🏹
It is incredibly rare that I ask for anything for myself, particularly in regards to my health – this, above, I tried to do at the weekend!
It’s something that my counsellor and my friends have been trying to get me to work on for a long time. The last few months I have been trying, it’s new to me and a work in progress. Whilst volunteering at the Grand Prix it was something that was discussed with me at length and I worked hard on it, the Wednesday and Thursday actually making decisions to put me first, guess what? The world continued to turn and my family of blue and green shirts not only accepted and welcomed my decisions but encouraged them! I may have taken all of us by surprise! 😱😂
Fast forward to 15th April, I posted my blog, and I asked for 36ish hours for me, I needed to deal with lots of things and they were affecting my mental health, I wanted to get everything in order. Projects, communications, lots of things. Despite my request still people contacted me with questions, queries, none of these could wait that 36 hours, I pointed out to each of those people that I wanted to be left until Sunday evening. Did it stop them! No! So I made some decisions and now people are disappointed 🤷♀️ you pushed me, you didn’t let me have that short time I was brave enough to ask for. Apparently for some I didn’t answer questions they didn’t ask 🤷♀️ why in this sport is it so often expected that we can mind read?
What I am especially curious of is, if I asked for the weekend because I had a migraine, a stomach bug, an injury, would I have been granted that 36 hours? Is it just mental health that doesn’t get respected? Have a think, you don’t have to answer me, but please do be honest with yourself!
What it did do was confirm work that I have been doing and several events and projects I am working on are most definitely needed as I had already believed.
So now we have people disappointed because I cancelled things, and angry people who have now had things cancelled who were not actually the people pushing me and being disrespectful of my request! So the people who pushed are ok, and I will deal with yet more annoyed folks 🤔
Integr8Archery CIC is mine, a one man band, no one else makes the decisions and no one else chooses what I do, and no one else steps in when I am overwhelmed. I am working on my projects, work that was always mine, my goals, my aims and new ideas. Not for anyone else, for me. There are also a number of other things I have that I may restart, they are mine too. Don’t make the mistake that because people have collaborated in the past dictates what I am doing now, because that would also be disrespectful.
However, what did go well, that I knew would give me the boost when I was thinking of quitting, was my visit to DISC to deliver soft archery, they are such a welcoming and enthusiastic group and a pleasure to spend time with.
Followed by my trip just over the road to shoot with Towcester Archers, some projects discussed and ideas bounced and arrows flung. Last year it was incredibly important to me to create safe spaces for my mind, where, when I am overwhelmed, anxious and scared, I can go to with my bow.
So thank you and much love to Archers of Raunds, Long Buckby archery club, Towcester Archers, Banbury Cross, Kestrels and Bowmen of Glen. By far the most important thing is the gift they give me of space where I am mentally safe to pick up my bow.
When I started shooting in 2018 I spent hours on the range, practise and competing. From 2018 to 2021 I shot between 800 – 1000 arrows a week. Last year this dropped dramatically – we know why. So I started planning my 2023 outdoor season and how to get that motivation back, perfectly timed as Archery GB advertised for the #greatarrowcount project. I received notification of my involvement in the project which was to start on 1st April. Those first 10 days were impacted by my being at the European Grand Prix but my first week total sees me having shot 570 arrows, not where I want to be but getting back on track for sure.
I believe that sport can change lives. I believe in my sport especially so, archery is so very inclusive. 6 years ago I decided I could make a difference and I strive for that, putting bows into the hands of people who don’t think they can access archery, for a variety of reasons.
I work hard to meet this goal, to bring archery to those who want it, for an hour, a year, a life time.
I am also very clear that everything I do is voluntary. I don’t get paid for any of what I do, never have, and Integr8Archery CIC is set up to prevent this, non profit – remember?
So I have a day job, to pay the bills, it’s a demanding one at that.
I give between 18-30 hours a week to Integr8Archery and I do this by giving up my own time.
I have worked with the public since I was old enough to work weekends as a teenager. I know that some say thank you, some complain, some are reasonable and some less so. I have volunteered since I was 16 and I know what giving my time can help others achieve – thank goodness or maybe I would have walked away!
This week I have come incredibly close to cancelling something for the first time due to the attitude of the person who I am helping host an event. Still might really.
It doesn’t matter if you are paying or not, if you set out the terms of what you want, you can of course make changes, this involves communicating. Just constantly demanding and changing and putting more and more on me! Nope not ok! In this case the event has costs, costs that a third party are picking up, don’t think that means I won’t pull out. I have no problem with telling the third party that I will not be billing them because I am cancelling the event!
So ask yourself this? When you ask someone for a service, do you flit around in your head! Do you change your mind? Maybe you didn’t set out what you wanted clearly and are now trying to get what you want without admitting that you missed something. Or are you becoming aware that maybe you could have asked for more but didn’t and now want more because you realise it can be achieved!
Whatever it is, ask! Speak kindly and remember I am giving you my time, freely, and I am not just sat waiting for your email or call, I have other responsibilities and they don’t allow me to drop everything. Be kind, say thank you, it’s not a lot to ask really is it?
So whilst I am complaining – a message to those of you who are still contacting me about things you were interested in being a part of, remember who discussed them with you? Was it me? Did I convince you that you can change your path? Were you told I was part of those plans as they were my projects? That’s very likely, I agree. Some have spoken with me and I have worked with them to do the things they wanted after having those conversations. However, if you have sent me emails, messages, voicemails accusing me of letting you down because the person who told you those projects were being planned isn’t replying or hasn’t delivered? I can’t help you because I will not be made to feel guilty or terrible because someone else let you down.
This is not the first time I have made this point publicly and it would seem it’s a point I am repeating publicly for the third time! I do not believe that you were let down by Integr8Archery so my advice would be to go to the person or business who did let you down.
ON A HAPPIER NOTE, THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO SUPPORTS ME ❤️🏹 I NEVER TAKE YOU FOR GRANTED 😎
Lots of catching up done in the last day or so after I got home from Lilleshall volunteering as a small part of the amazing team who put on events with Archery GB, my third international event, but I learn from every event I help at, regardless of it’s level. Hard work? Absolutely! Long days? For sure! Worth it? Always!!
Always great catching up with friends and they are my friends as they allow me to sit in my pjs when they gather to chill after dinner 🙃 and they look after me when my body is struggling, no easy thing.
Instructor course, start archery, 4 community events, the disability session at the end of April to name a few …. hard work but so very worth it! New things popping up after sitting in my room alone for 9 evenings with my notepad – never able to turn off my mind! 😉
In order to allow Integr8Archery CIC to be non profit and to put on as much as we can at little to no cost for the community I have to remain in paid employment since I have yet to get that big winning lottery ticket 😂 and this week will see me start my new job after being out of work for 6 weeks following my fixed term contract expiring. This will see me take on a role that I think will be both challenging and rewarding and I am excited. I think the shifts will make my time adaptable for Integr8Archery too as some people want me on weekends and some on weekdays, so now I will have potential to be flexible around those wants. Most importantly from the Integr8Archery perspective it means I don’t require an income from what I do here.
I saw a quote that I really liked this week:
“Don’t leave a place the way you found it.
Leave it the way you would like to have found it.'”
Ben Ferencz.
A lot of what I aim to achieve is covered by this I think. If we each do a little bit, together we can achieve so much to make things better. Equality, Diversity, Inclusion and Safeguarding – all can make a better world.
Emails, meetings, phone calls, webinars – sums up the week so far.
Doesn’t sound exciting but it is the results of lots of planning coming to fulfilment and the next few weeks and months should see things happening and it will be great to see bows in new hands and also some returners to the range.
This morning I received my certificate from North Hertfordshire College as my course results have finally been returned from the moderator following the notification I had passed the Level 2 Certificate in Self Harm and Suicide Awareness Prevention in January.
As a safeguarding officer I am not required to undertake CPD but I always have, this is by taking formal qualifications and also by taking part in webinars and groups such as the sessions with PACE to further improve me knowledge. As a significant portion of the work that I do for projects sees me and the coaches who undertake work for Integr8Archery involves children and vulnerable adults I see this as an incredibly important part of my role.
So this weekend sees us change the clocks and so we get lighter nights, perfect as we are in the transition from indoor to outdoor season as archers. I have my first session booked this coming week with some shooting buddies whose company I enjoy on the range but first to finish my indoor season today and see if I can achieve something for myself 🤞🏻❤️🏹
Take care of yourself whatever it is that you are doing. 😊
Flight, my favourite archery and what kept me going – scrapyard challenge meets archery 😉😂🥰🏹
If you were asked – what do you get out of archery? What would you say? If you were asked – what would you loose if it was taken from you? What would you say?
Have a think, you don’t have to tell me, you can, but you don’t have to. So now you have thought and you think you know the answer. Someone tries to take it, what would you do? Let them? Or would you fight to keep what it gives you?
Sound dramatic? Or it’s Saturday and you don’t like thinking too hard after being at work all week 🙃
I am asked often about what I get from what I do, there must be a reason I give between 20-40 hours a week for free on top of family, working full time and my own archery.
I know what archery can give, the ability to calm a stressed mind. My work sees me deal with complex, stressful situations. Highly emotive and draining some days. I can list the situations that have meant I go home and can’t clear the things I dealt with that day and have brought home with me, maybe I will sit and cry, drink a bottle of wine, some way of trying to deal with what the day brought me. If we go back to 2018 when I passed my beginners course, I had been shooting only a few weeks and sent a message home to say I was going to be late, I was headed into a debrief, I had taken a suicide call, it had ended tragically. 45 minutes later I received a text with a photo of my bow set up on the waiting line – “Molly is waiting for you when you finish”.
2 hours of shooting, if I don’t clear my mind those arrows aren’t going anywhere near where they are supposed to. Went home, ate dinner with my family and relaxed, no crying, no alcohol. My bow has provided that service often, she demands that I clear my head, she is selfish, if I do not give her my entire focus she misbehaves. That – that is what she gives me, the ability to let go of what my mind is carrying.
It’s also given me, my people, we are all a little quirky, those of us who fling arrows, so for the most part, we are quite accepting of the things that make each of us different. That cannot be overrated, the ability to be yourself, to let your personality free. Are you a literal thinker, a logical mind, someone who loves rules, repetition and routine. Ours is a sport made for minds who thrive on structure. It’s part of why the pandemic had such a huge impact when we were locked in and for periods of time kept off the range. That loss of routine and ability to have a space where we empty our minds. Society demands things, wants you to fit in boxes created by others, ranges and archers let you be you, with no demands or explanations needed.
There is no secret of what I have gone through on a physical, pain basis to shoot and remain shooting, the battle with my mind to sit to shoot. I have told the story and been invited into other people’s struggles as a result – surely a privilege.
But, having fought that struggle to remain and shoot. I was told very clearly by a person who I had trust in, that I had no place on a range, any range. No role in the sport in any capacity as an archer, a volunteer, project manager ….. any role. That I should walk away. They used information that our friendship gave them, over a period of 6 months to really make incredibly brutal statements about why I should walk away. November 21 to May 22 – words can create damage, and how they are delivered can create so much more.
In addition there were other things happening that were creating massive issues with my ability to feel safe on a range, issues being created by my past that had been raised and were part of what that person was using too, along with others who do not know what they are referring to but know there’s something.
All of this combined to put me in a place where I was my most mentally vulnerable since 1996. Where should I go for my mind? The range, but of course it had been made clear that there was no place for me there. So I deteriorated massively, nowhere to go, nowhere to be safe.
Remember that I said in my space I found my people? Well they were still there, I thought I lost them with my ranges and my sport. Nope! They held on, and wouldn’t let go, even though I had. A small group who together helped me find where I can go when I need safe shooting space – safe for my head. I now have a list of ranges that when I am at my most vulnerable I can walk on and each has a couple of people who will stand beside me and shoot with no need for me to explain but will just be there, whenever I need them. Others will sit with me by the power of the virtual world in the middle of the night and listen to me talk and cry and there have been literally days and nights when it’s been just about reminding me to breathe.
In the middle of all of this, because it wasn’t widely known what I was going through, though many had seen me cry on the shooting line, I took a call from someone I knew who needed help, broken down mentally and need support, someone who had used me before in my capacity as a safeguarding officer. They were getting help from the right people medically but needed someone who understood what the loss of their sport meant. Well I certainly understood that! So in the middle of my mess I could help someone else.
Then a chat about my future in the sport outside of my own shooting, a talk that saw me 24 hours later with a non profit company and an application to the government for a Community Interest Company. My projects reviewed and decisions made about my way forward. That same night a discussion about my clothes, where were my crazy leggings? More decisions made there – a reminder that this sport, with my people, accept me and my crazy 😂 so yes they would be back on the range in their wild technicolour 🥰
So the work began, to claim my right to be on the range and to be in my sport and to rebuild the safe spaces for my mind to breathe.
The outdoor season was torrid, I love competition, I am not interested in anyone else’s scores, just shooting against myself. However in the middle of that is the magic that is my flight season, you want to be accepted? There you will be truly welcome with no fear of what anyone will say. My flight family are, for the most part approximately 200 miles away, but there always. Those competition’s definitely gave me positive focus. Of course, 2022 also saw me shoot the amazing footbow which it turns out makes me laugh, really laugh with every shot fired.
Indoor season, we had been told the devastating news in the summer that dad had cancer and it was terminal, and so we focused and come the end of the summer we really had to put our focus as a family here, we were going to squeeze what we could from however little time we had and we knew it was going to be short. So I declared my indoor season cancelled, no competitions, no regular training, me and my clingy band doing what we could to keep muscles from quitting but only rarely shooting an arrow. My archery family reaching out when I needed it, but respecting every time I said I needed to focus on family. I will forever be grateful for that, when I was able to walk onto a range with my bow, just picking up like I hadn’t been away.
When the time came and we lost the amazing person that was my dad, I was away for weeks. My archery family, staying with virtually – calls, messages, hours on FaceTime and someone actually driving many miles to just sit and check that I was ok.
I have been home for almost 4 weeks, and have managed to shoot with some regularity. It’s been in this time that it has hit me dad has gone, he’s not there to tell how things are going with my little business or my shooting, those weekly chats have gone.
What I do know is this, my life is a mess and I am dealing with all that has happened in the last 17 months and the history that has been dragged back into my life. However my safe space that I lost and needed and was given back to me by my fight and the help of those archers who always accepted me, is back. It’s mine, I have claimed it. For sure there are a small number of places I will never return to with a bow, that will never be mentally safe for me again, but that is the price I will pay for what is now my calm space, that with the work that I have put in since June has now become a calmer, mentally safer place than it ever was even before.
Also, whilst I am celebrating the return of this, that I have survived and stand here stronger in my archery than I ever was, if I am careful next weekend I may actually achieve something I never have before so 🤞🏻 because it will, for me, be a reward that going through that very worst of times I made it. It will also be something to show those who have stood by me throughout this, that maybe it was worth it for them too, and to those who told me I have no place, that one strongest voice, well you know what? I do have a place, the rest of my life is in a state of carnage that I am taking day by day but here, on the range and in my sport, I do have a place and you have no right to take it from me and no idea of what you almost cost me.
Thank you to every single person who has given me anything this last 17 months, I can now say that yes, I do know what my sport gives me, and yes I will fight for my right to be on a range as much as I have battled for others in the last 6 years.
Maybe, just maybe, next Saturday evening I can pop back and tell you that I have achieved something that I didn’t know I would finish this season with, if I do it may seem small to some but for me it will be massive. 🤗
The point of this, don’t ever give up because someone tells you that you must, and that if you need it, this archery family is full of the most amazing people who will help you if you allow them to.
My last competition of the outdoor season, pulled on my county shirt before concentrating on family, my squad family never gave up 🥰🏹
Happy pancake day! How do you prefer them – sweet or savoury – I enjoy both and have no issue with having both in one sitting? Hence the weight I need to loose 🫣😂
Lots of planning and catch up in this last week means lots of meetings this coming week, excited to hear some of what will be discussed. Today I have the first of two meetings with coaches who work on my projects and I shall be feeding them pancakes 🥞 they may just be distracted enough to agree to my ideas whilst eating 😉
So I shall need to think about what to feed those that I shall be meeting later in the week.
I said this may contain a trigger warning.
About 10 days ago I was asked to consider talking/writing about my lived experiences with mental health and suicide. I have agreed and have been putting lots of thoughts down on paper, some things I can’t discuss, some I won’t – but that still leaves plenty to share. Why? Only by talking can we continue to work to remove stigma and to make it more freely acceptable to talk about issues that we are facing and this might help others when faced with their own darkest thoughts to reach out to someone.
As I have considered what I should include, I kept coming back to how we never know what someone is going through and often those of us are in a dark place are hiding it for various reasons but mainly to protect ourselves or to protect others.
So – take a look at those two images at the top of the page. Taken about 8 months apart – Both versions of me were facing huge challenges but sharing very little.
The first? – I was sharing information and excited about lots of projects and plans but that version of me felt she had a place, a purpose and some worth. She felt loved and cared for and safe. She felt she mattered and that people could see her.
The second? – I had been to the hospital a couple of days earlier, finding myself in a place where the only answer was to save everyone from having to deal with me by simply no longer being here. I didn’t discuss it with anyone but I had it all planned, a small handful of people were aware of some of the challenges that I was facing – most were the same challenges in both photographs, but my worth, value, feeling of being safe had been removed – dramatically so. I certainly no longer felt I added anything other than burden to anyone’s life. Certainly didn’t feel loved. I will be forever grateful that on that day some sent a message that reached in, they didn’t know, but somehow the universe did.
Both show me laughing, I learned many years ago to hide, and I do! Daily! An incredibly small number of people have enough information now to be able to offer me support, 2 outside the medical profession know everything. I shall continue to hide, but that request to consider sharing my experiences feels important and as I sit writing everything down and looking at what I can’t or won’t share, I do also need to think about who my sharing will impact, namely my children.
But we all see those memes and messages about be careful you never know what a person is going through. Those two photos I think are an excellent example – 8 months apart, both laughing but very very different and both hiding so very much.
So one day at a time and I move forward. Much love to you all and if you are struggling – reach out to someone – I promise you are loved and valued more than you will allow yourself to believe ❤️
If you have been triggered by anything here please visit Mind to find help.
