In life we set ourselves goals, aims, outcomes – whatever you choose to name them. Sport is another place we often set ourselves targets.
From deciding I was going to pick up a bow and booked my beginners course I had a goal, this has continued in the 5 years that I have been shooting. I usually have several at any time and they will all lead towards a main goal. That one big thing that everything else feeds into. I review my goals regularly around a number of things, kit, health, time and of course I shoot two different styles of archery so there are times I juggle those against each other.
How do you choose what is a reasonable goal, realistic, stretching.
Who do you allow to influence you? Coach, shooting friends, squad members, shooting buddies?
What if you want to focus on something different to those people, do you stand your ground?
I recall a conversation with a coach where I was told my goal wasn’t enough, that they could push me to achieve a different goal because they believed in their ability as a coach rather than actually taking the time to understand what my goal meant. No real surprise then when I achieved something that I had worked from the beginning towards, taking 3 and a half years to achieve and that person didn’t even acknowledge what I had achieved as exactly that, an achievement! Bemusing really.
So I guess my question/request is, what do you want, is what you are working towards what you want or what someone else wants from you? I ask because it’s important, and the impact can have a massive impact on your mental and/or emotional wellbeing. So it’s definitely worth thinking about it and just checking on what you want.
So, I am excited and have news to share, some explaining too! It’s long but you have had some short blogs the last few weeks 😉😂
As you will know I am a huge advocate of disability, mental health and inclusion. I passionately believe that sport can help change lives, I have seen it and I have been a part of it. It takes commitment not just from the individual but those working and supporting to make it happen! Now I am in a place to pull several things together so grab a cuppa and let me tell you 🤗
You will be aware that both myself and my son have disability – his epilepsy, mine doesn’t have a one word label! I’ll explain me a little –
My bones are twisted, puts a lot of strain on my joints which don’t all work or sit quite how they should, at 20 I was offered the choice of two surgeries to try and help my left knee – one was on the knee itself and especially the ligaments around it to try and make it easier, or more radically they could plate and screw some bones in my legs to set about straightening them and see if that improved things! They were not entirely convincing about what would come of the more major surgery and if there would be any improvement at all so I went for the knee option, and following that initial surgery have had a further three surgeries on that knee.
I am clumsy, my balance and co-ordination vary but I can fall over fresh air and have literally been stood talking and just fallen as my balance goes! Remember – I meet life with humour so sure make sure I am ok but we are going to laugh at these things!
Broken bones – feet, hands, fingers and my left shoulder blade!
Nerve damage from various things lower back, thoracic spine, feet, left lower leg and for added “fun” some sciatica!
I often say everything is fine, my left elbow and my eyelashes don’t hurt! Remember – humour! But pain is definitely one of the biggest barriers I face and I am incredibly grateful to have a superb physio in Ben 😊
I have a hearing impairment in my right ear as a result of damage, for a while there was talk of metal plates in my skull but I managed to avoid that. It is one of the reasons you might see me in my bobble hat even in summer, drafts hurt it and impact the ability to hear, hats stop drafts.
Several health issues, the two that impact my shooting – asthma which can be triggered by a number of things but especially heat, cold and hay fever – did I mention I am allergic to straw bosses 😂😂😂😂🫣🫣😱 I have a blood disorder, we ruled out the serious stuff that kills you but I am left with a reduced ability to store folate and iron, so I eat a lot of food that helps this and take some industrial grade, prescription top ups, but this can create huge fatigue and on bad days being awake is an incredible challenge – let alone moving!
Mental health? Anxiety and PTSD pretty much see that as a daily thing, some days I can plan for months, some days let’s see if I can breathe for 10 minutes. I have been to the very darkest places in my mind, in fact, they literally sit there daily, but when things are going well, I’m just carrying it with me, as I brave the world and smile. I am blessed that my counsellor is awesome and a tight circle of friends are there constantly 🤗🥰
Why do I tell you all of this, it’s so that you can gain a little understanding for why disability, inclusion and mental health are such an important focus for me.
Archery has given me ways to help my mind, if I don’t clear the messy head space those arrows are going nowhere useful. The process and routine are soothing, calming. Ranges are my safe space.
That’s not to say it’s easy, I have been challenged by people who have questioned my right to be there, on a range, on a shooting line – apparently I look ok – so why do I need to sit to shoot, have an agent? On a good day I might explain a little and try and educate, on a hard day I may tell you it’s none of your business, on a rough day, I might step away, think you are right, I have no place, I am an inconvenience and spiral, if we go back to my longest spell in the house, I literally didn’t leave for many months, long before you could get everything delivered to the house. Every day I have a process to step out of the door, might your unthinking words shut me inside?
However there are also many, many amazing people to be found on ranges who welcome, and support and help, these people question but because they want to understand so they can help, so very different.
Over the last several years I have done a lot of work around health and inclusion and supporting people to step on to a range, but also in other sports too. It’s amazing to watch people try something that they thought would reject them and find they are welcome, archery is one of the most adaptable sports there is and I am lucky to have friends who have worked in many areas, I find it unlikely that if you can tell me what you need that I can’t find it for you in that pool of amazing people.
I am told that I think outside the box, I just see me as me, but it’s definitely helped when thinking of ways to help people come to the range, our own voice in our mind can be the biggest battle we face and it takes different things for different people to push their own boundaries.
I have supported existing archers who have found themselves in a place where maybe they might have to consider their ability to stay on the range, some it’s been adaptions, some changing bow styles and some moving to seated. It’s always a privilege when someone reaches out and says can we talk, you might be able to help me, I know that reaching out for help isn’t easy. Some take the information and go off and do their thing, some keep in touch and some remain as part of our growing support network to give and receive support on our tough days.
With all of this and more in mind, I can now announce a plan we have.
Who are we? Let me explain.
I work with lots of coaches to deliver my projects and support groups who want sustainable archery, getting it set up and then mentoring in the long term. It works, our reviews show this. Northamptonshire carers contacted me to help put archery back into their disability inclusive sports sessions that they run for children with disabilities and their families. The coaches who help me with this are Nick and Jackie from Towcester Archery Club and a great job they do too.
Early in 2023 I had some conversations (thankful as ever for the technology that allows us to be in different spaces and hold meetings and conversations) around a number of different ideas we have and things we can do together with Nick Wilson, who many know as the Disabled Adventurer. We made arrangements for him to come to Towcester Archery Club who kindly offered to host me, Nick and other exiting archers who wanted to come and shoot and talk about the impact of our sport on their disability and mental health.
Nick had a great time as did coach Nick, this was also a great example of how sometimes we fear what we don’t know, I have seen people turned away from clubs because of their disability and speaking with coaches, clubs and archers I am firmly of the belief that whilst a minority is about exclusion for many it’s the worry that a lack of knowledge might mean they can’t help or what if they injure a person? However we’re as many don’t say that and don’t ask for help with improving their own knowledge they just say no. I have managed to get the odd coach to discuss this and been able to link them with coaches who have the knowledge to mentor them.
This very idea now sees Integr8Archery and Towcester Archery Club come together to offer Nick Wilson a bespoke beginners course and coach Nick who was worried about his own knowledge is taking the opportunity to learn alongside him. The 2 Nicks will learn from each other and I have some coaches experienced with a huge variety of disabilities waiting to help amend support and coach Nick is attending the disability inclusion training being hosted in the midlands. I am excited to see what comes of this for both of them.
When I posted that I was holding the session and invited people along, I was blown away by the messages that I received from archers who would like the opportunity to have a safe space, where occasionally they can come together in an inclusive setting regardless of their physical, learning disabilities or mental health, where they don’t have to explain why they do x,y,z. But to be in an environment with others who love this sport, who enjoy shooting and the things it gives us, but who occasionally feel isolated or uncomfortable and we accept that the person who creates that doesn’t always know and we aren’t always strong enough to speak out.
So after some conversations around what we can do, Towcester Archery Club and Integr8Archery will be hosting sessions inviting those who consider they have a disability and or want a space where they can feel their mental health is safe, to come together and shoot every 2 months. We are just pulling together the first list of dates and will announce these in the next few days along with some information around what we have planned for some of those dates along with the ones that we can just chat and shoot and share a cuppa. There will also be instructions on how to join us.
I am excited as I am not aware of anything else offered that is similar to this so I think Towcester Archery Club and Integr8Archery are hopefully going to show what we can achieve and others may set up similar sessions.
So watch this space over the next few days and follow the instructions if you would like to join us, let’s grow this community I have started, for archers who want support and also for coaches who want to learn how to help. Thank you so very much to Dean and Nick for your help and support so far, let’s create change together 🥰🏹❤️
I started volunteering in archery in 2015, little things which grew and grew into huge things, committee roles at club, county and region levels. The work I was doing included many things but as anyone who knows me would expect, these definitely centred around safeguarding, equality, diversity and inclusion. 2018 saw me apply to become an Archery GB ambassador primarily around disability but with all of these principles at the core of whatever I was to do in that blue shirt if I was given one.
Over time my projects grew and grew, I collaborated with others and worked on their projects and looked at joining things together where our aims and objectives met. This led to 2022 when things were coming together and my calendar from June 2022 to October 2023 was full of launch dates and amazing things – huge, huge plans. The person I was collaborating with was out there talking and sharing and inviting people to join us in some of those plans, so as spring 22 hit I started to drop bits of information as a taste of what was to come.
However that person walked away, no warning, no explanation. This is something many of those people do not understand – you stopped getting information? No details? You came to me for answers, I understand why, but I also had no communication- no information to share. I helped those I could, with their plans which had grown from the conversations that they had with that person, pleased to say several are doing well and a couple have stayed in touch to let me know how they are getting on, it’s always nice to hear their news.
Some needed someone to blame, they weren’t getting answers from the person they were contacting so it fell on me, I took the brunt and despite my replies that I could not help with their queries they didn’t stop. On more than 1 occasion I have posted here to say enough is enough and I gave notice that I would no longer reply to those individuals or to anything abusive. For 2 people this didn’t stop them – continue they have! This week it reached a new level from one, a suggestion that my walking away and destroying work and plans last summer (none of which I did) means, in this person’s opinion, I should kill myself – their words! Who even thinks it’s ok to write such messages to another person I do not know!
I was advised to raise a safeguarding and a bullying complaint to the NGB, however this is far beyond that and so I handed it to the police. They have picked it up and I have an investigating officer who has has taken my statement and lots and lots of communication from the last 5 years from a number of people, it just the one who sent the message. This is one individual but there are little pieces of information contained that they had to get from somewhere, so whatever happens next will happen, but going forward I will not be dealing with unpleasant communications. Any from anyone will be passed on to whoever is the most appropriate person to handle it, safeguarding, bullying, criminal – each will find its level.
Me? I shall continue forward, I am proud of what I can accomplish in my limited capacity. Of how I do my bit. Integr8Archery will continue to do what I want, safely set up to allow me to do just that. As I approach the 1st birthday of Integr8Archery I am busy making plans on how to celebrate this year’s achievements, to thank those who have been involved and continue to move on with plans and events for 2023 and beyond.
Thank you to those who have supported me in anyway, but for those who have been there this week, I am grateful that I am stronger now than I was a year ago because otherwise the week may have had a very different outcome.
For Integr8Archery I am only half way through my week, my weeks as you know finish on a Tuesday 😜 so here’s hoping that the end of week blog will be so much brighter than this mid-week one! It will because there’s already things to go in it! 😎
What do you know about sport for the visually impaired? This is something that annoys me and those who know me well have listening to me complain and make a fuss for years! There is simply not enough information or signposting for somethings, for those who might use them, who might consider trying them or for those who might choose to give their time as a volunteer. Two such things that I have enjoyed giving hours to are the transplant games and visually impaired sport. Today I am going to give some information about British Blind Sport as it’s a subject that has come up half a dozen times in the last month or so.
One of the things that I do as a volunteer is spotting for visually impaired archers. I have worked on a semi regular basis with two. It came about as a result of covid, then lockdown rules allowed disabled athletes to practise and someone I knew needed help to find a range that would allow her to shoot (many refused to allow their disability members to access their ranges, a conversation for another day) and also a means of getting there and that role of spotter. Having agented numerous times for disability athletes I said I would give it a go, however I was more than a little anxious as this is more than just collecting arrows for someone and my ability to describe what was happening was going to be key to how useful I was! Turns out all those years doing surveillance in the day job gave me a useful skill on the archery range!
In recent months I have put a couple of coaches in touch with British Blind Sports in regards to archers who needed support. Whilst physical disabilities and adaptations around these are focused on and access is improving significantly, help for visually impaired is still not obvious.
British Blind Sport offer amazing support to people to access a multitude of sports
The sport that I love, where I found my people, that allows me to be me, is the most adaptive sport that I know. I have yet to come across anyone who cannot shoot, it’s one of the very reasons that I love it so very much and why I am so very passionate about it and what it has to offer.
There are a couple of significant events this year that need volunteers and you may be looking for somewhere to give your time so I would urge you to consider looking here:
What have I been doing this week? Mostly lots of planning and attending a couple of multi sports meetings. Lots happening over the coming weeks as the summer moves towards us!
Not so many arrows shot myself, as I would like still but getting there and this coming weekend will see me shoot my first outdoors competition of the season at one of my favourite places and will have the chance to see lots of friends. My only aim, considering the lack of shooting that I have had, is to enjoy the day, see how it all goes and enjoy the company – and not to cry for dozens of arrows like I did last year!
Catch you all soon, have a great week and enjoy this run of bank holiday weekends ❤️🏹
It is incredibly rare that I ask for anything for myself, particularly in regards to my health – this, above, I tried to do at the weekend!
It’s something that my counsellor and my friends have been trying to get me to work on for a long time. The last few months I have been trying, it’s new to me and a work in progress. Whilst volunteering at the Grand Prix it was something that was discussed with me at length and I worked hard on it, the Wednesday and Thursday actually making decisions to put me first, guess what? The world continued to turn and my family of blue and green shirts not only accepted and welcomed my decisions but encouraged them! I may have taken all of us by surprise! 😱😂
Fast forward to 15th April, I posted my blog, and I asked for 36ish hours for me, I needed to deal with lots of things and they were affecting my mental health, I wanted to get everything in order. Projects, communications, lots of things. Despite my request still people contacted me with questions, queries, none of these could wait that 36 hours, I pointed out to each of those people that I wanted to be left until Sunday evening. Did it stop them! No! So I made some decisions and now people are disappointed 🤷♀️ you pushed me, you didn’t let me have that short time I was brave enough to ask for. Apparently for some I didn’t answer questions they didn’t ask 🤷♀️ why in this sport is it so often expected that we can mind read?
What I am especially curious of is, if I asked for the weekend because I had a migraine, a stomach bug, an injury, would I have been granted that 36 hours? Is it just mental health that doesn’t get respected? Have a think, you don’t have to answer me, but please do be honest with yourself!
What it did do was confirm work that I have been doing and several events and projects I am working on are most definitely needed as I had already believed.
So now we have people disappointed because I cancelled things, and angry people who have now had things cancelled who were not actually the people pushing me and being disrespectful of my request! So the people who pushed are ok, and I will deal with yet more annoyed folks 🤔
Integr8Archery CIC is mine, a one man band, no one else makes the decisions and no one else chooses what I do, and no one else steps in when I am overwhelmed. I am working on my projects, work that was always mine, my goals, my aims and new ideas. Not for anyone else, for me. There are also a number of other things I have that I may restart, they are mine too. Don’t make the mistake that because people have collaborated in the past dictates what I am doing now, because that would also be disrespectful.
However, what did go well, that I knew would give me the boost when I was thinking of quitting, was my visit to DISC to deliver soft archery, they are such a welcoming and enthusiastic group and a pleasure to spend time with.
Followed by my trip just over the road to shoot with Towcester Archers, some projects discussed and ideas bounced and arrows flung. Last year it was incredibly important to me to create safe spaces for my mind, where, when I am overwhelmed, anxious and scared, I can go to with my bow.
So thank you and much love to Archers of Raunds, Long Buckby archery club, Towcester Archers, Banbury Cross, Kestrels and Bowmen of Glen. By far the most important thing is the gift they give me of space where I am mentally safe to pick up my bow.
When I started shooting in 2018 I spent hours on the range, practise and competing. From 2018 to 2021 I shot between 800 – 1000 arrows a week. Last year this dropped dramatically – we know why. So I started planning my 2023 outdoor season and how to get that motivation back, perfectly timed as Archery GB advertised for the #greatarrowcount project. I received notification of my involvement in the project which was to start on 1st April. Those first 10 days were impacted by my being at the European Grand Prix but my first week total sees me having shot 570 arrows, not where I want to be but getting back on track for sure.
Flight, my favourite archery and what kept me going – scrapyard challenge meets archery 😉😂🥰🏹
If you were asked – what do you get out of archery? What would you say? If you were asked – what would you loose if it was taken from you? What would you say?
Have a think, you don’t have to tell me, you can, but you don’t have to. So now you have thought and you think you know the answer. Someone tries to take it, what would you do? Let them? Or would you fight to keep what it gives you?
Sound dramatic? Or it’s Saturday and you don’t like thinking too hard after being at work all week 🙃
I am asked often about what I get from what I do, there must be a reason I give between 20-40 hours a week for free on top of family, working full time and my own archery.
I know what archery can give, the ability to calm a stressed mind. My work sees me deal with complex, stressful situations. Highly emotive and draining some days. I can list the situations that have meant I go home and can’t clear the things I dealt with that day and have brought home with me, maybe I will sit and cry, drink a bottle of wine, some way of trying to deal with what the day brought me. If we go back to 2018 when I passed my beginners course, I had been shooting only a few weeks and sent a message home to say I was going to be late, I was headed into a debrief, I had taken a suicide call, it had ended tragically. 45 minutes later I received a text with a photo of my bow set up on the waiting line – “Molly is waiting for you when you finish”.
2 hours of shooting, if I don’t clear my mind those arrows aren’t going anywhere near where they are supposed to. Went home, ate dinner with my family and relaxed, no crying, no alcohol. My bow has provided that service often, she demands that I clear my head, she is selfish, if I do not give her my entire focus she misbehaves. That – that is what she gives me, the ability to let go of what my mind is carrying.
It’s also given me, my people, we are all a little quirky, those of us who fling arrows, so for the most part, we are quite accepting of the things that make each of us different. That cannot be overrated, the ability to be yourself, to let your personality free. Are you a literal thinker, a logical mind, someone who loves rules, repetition and routine. Ours is a sport made for minds who thrive on structure. It’s part of why the pandemic had such a huge impact when we were locked in and for periods of time kept off the range. That loss of routine and ability to have a space where we empty our minds. Society demands things, wants you to fit in boxes created by others, ranges and archers let you be you, with no demands or explanations needed.
There is no secret of what I have gone through on a physical, pain basis to shoot and remain shooting, the battle with my mind to sit to shoot. I have told the story and been invited into other people’s struggles as a result – surely a privilege.
But, having fought that struggle to remain and shoot. I was told very clearly by a person who I had trust in, that I had no place on a range, any range. No role in the sport in any capacity as an archer, a volunteer, project manager ….. any role. That I should walk away. They used information that our friendship gave them, over a period of 6 months to really make incredibly brutal statements about why I should walk away. November 21 to May 22 – words can create damage, and how they are delivered can create so much more.
In addition there were other things happening that were creating massive issues with my ability to feel safe on a range, issues being created by my past that had been raised and were part of what that person was using too, along with others who do not know what they are referring to but know there’s something.
All of this combined to put me in a place where I was my most mentally vulnerable since 1996. Where should I go for my mind? The range, but of course it had been made clear that there was no place for me there. So I deteriorated massively, nowhere to go, nowhere to be safe.
Remember that I said in my space I found my people? Well they were still there, I thought I lost them with my ranges and my sport. Nope! They held on, and wouldn’t let go, even though I had. A small group who together helped me find where I can go when I need safe shooting space – safe for my head. I now have a list of ranges that when I am at my most vulnerable I can walk on and each has a couple of people who will stand beside me and shoot with no need for me to explain but will just be there, whenever I need them. Others will sit with me by the power of the virtual world in the middle of the night and listen to me talk and cry and there have been literally days and nights when it’s been just about reminding me to breathe.
In the middle of all of this, because it wasn’t widely known what I was going through, though many had seen me cry on the shooting line, I took a call from someone I knew who needed help, broken down mentally and need support, someone who had used me before in my capacity as a safeguarding officer. They were getting help from the right people medically but needed someone who understood what the loss of their sport meant. Well I certainly understood that! So in the middle of my mess I could help someone else.
Then a chat about my future in the sport outside of my own shooting, a talk that saw me 24 hours later with a non profit company and an application to the government for a Community Interest Company. My projects reviewed and decisions made about my way forward. That same night a discussion about my clothes, where were my crazy leggings? More decisions made there – a reminder that this sport, with my people, accept me and my crazy 😂 so yes they would be back on the range in their wild technicolour 🥰
So the work began, to claim my right to be on the range and to be in my sport and to rebuild the safe spaces for my mind to breathe.
The outdoor season was torrid, I love competition, I am not interested in anyone else’s scores, just shooting against myself. However in the middle of that is the magic that is my flight season, you want to be accepted? There you will be truly welcome with no fear of what anyone will say. My flight family are, for the most part approximately 200 miles away, but there always. Those competition’s definitely gave me positive focus. Of course, 2022 also saw me shoot the amazing footbow which it turns out makes me laugh, really laugh with every shot fired.
Indoor season, we had been told the devastating news in the summer that dad had cancer and it was terminal, and so we focused and come the end of the summer we really had to put our focus as a family here, we were going to squeeze what we could from however little time we had and we knew it was going to be short. So I declared my indoor season cancelled, no competitions, no regular training, me and my clingy band doing what we could to keep muscles from quitting but only rarely shooting an arrow. My archery family reaching out when I needed it, but respecting every time I said I needed to focus on family. I will forever be grateful for that, when I was able to walk onto a range with my bow, just picking up like I hadn’t been away.
When the time came and we lost the amazing person that was my dad, I was away for weeks. My archery family, staying with virtually – calls, messages, hours on FaceTime and someone actually driving many miles to just sit and check that I was ok.
I have been home for almost 4 weeks, and have managed to shoot with some regularity. It’s been in this time that it has hit me dad has gone, he’s not there to tell how things are going with my little business or my shooting, those weekly chats have gone.
What I do know is this, my life is a mess and I am dealing with all that has happened in the last 17 months and the history that has been dragged back into my life. However my safe space that I lost and needed and was given back to me by my fight and the help of those archers who always accepted me, is back. It’s mine, I have claimed it. For sure there are a small number of places I will never return to with a bow, that will never be mentally safe for me again, but that is the price I will pay for what is now my calm space, that with the work that I have put in since June has now become a calmer, mentally safer place than it ever was even before.
Also, whilst I am celebrating the return of this, that I have survived and stand here stronger in my archery than I ever was, if I am careful next weekend I may actually achieve something I never have before so 🤞🏻 because it will, for me, be a reward that going through that very worst of times I made it. It will also be something to show those who have stood by me throughout this, that maybe it was worth it for them too, and to those who told me I have no place, that one strongest voice, well you know what? I do have a place, the rest of my life is in a state of carnage that I am taking day by day but here, on the range and in my sport, I do have a place and you have no right to take it from me and no idea of what you almost cost me.
Thank you to every single person who has given me anything this last 17 months, I can now say that yes, I do know what my sport gives me, and yes I will fight for my right to be on a range as much as I have battled for others in the last 6 years.
Maybe, just maybe, next Saturday evening I can pop back and tell you that I have achieved something that I didn’t know I would finish this season with, if I do it may seem small to some but for me it will be massive. 🤗
The point of this, don’t ever give up because someone tells you that you must, and that if you need it, this archery family is full of the most amazing people who will help you if you allow them to.
My last competition of the outdoor season, pulled on my county shirt before concentrating on family, my squad family never gave up 🥰🏹
Happy pancake day! How do you prefer them – sweet or savoury – I enjoy both and have no issue with having both in one sitting? Hence the weight I need to loose 🫣😂
Lots of planning and catch up in this last week means lots of meetings this coming week, excited to hear some of what will be discussed. Today I have the first of two meetings with coaches who work on my projects and I shall be feeding them pancakes 🥞 they may just be distracted enough to agree to my ideas whilst eating 😉
So I shall need to think about what to feed those that I shall be meeting later in the week.
I said this may contain a trigger warning.
About 10 days ago I was asked to consider talking/writing about my lived experiences with mental health and suicide. I have agreed and have been putting lots of thoughts down on paper, some things I can’t discuss, some I won’t – but that still leaves plenty to share. Why? Only by talking can we continue to work to remove stigma and to make it more freely acceptable to talk about issues that we are facing and this might help others when faced with their own darkest thoughts to reach out to someone.
As I have considered what I should include, I kept coming back to how we never know what someone is going through and often those of us are in a dark place are hiding it for various reasons but mainly to protect ourselves or to protect others.
So – take a look at those two images at the top of the page. Taken about 8 months apart – Both versions of me were facing huge challenges but sharing very little.
The first? – I was sharing information and excited about lots of projects and plans but that version of me felt she had a place, a purpose and some worth. She felt loved and cared for and safe. She felt she mattered and that people could see her.
The second? – I had been to the hospital a couple of days earlier, finding myself in a place where the only answer was to save everyone from having to deal with me by simply no longer being here. I didn’t discuss it with anyone but I had it all planned, a small handful of people were aware of some of the challenges that I was facing – most were the same challenges in both photographs, but my worth, value, feeling of being safe had been removed – dramatically so. I certainly no longer felt I added anything other than burden to anyone’s life. Certainly didn’t feel loved. I will be forever grateful that on that day some sent a message that reached in, they didn’t know, but somehow the universe did.
Both show me laughing, I learned many years ago to hide, and I do! Daily! An incredibly small number of people have enough information now to be able to offer me support, 2 outside the medical profession know everything. I shall continue to hide, but that request to consider sharing my experiences feels important and as I sit writing everything down and looking at what I can’t or won’t share, I do also need to think about who my sharing will impact, namely my children.
But we all see those memes and messages about be careful you never know what a person is going through. Those two photos I think are an excellent example – 8 months apart, both laughing but very very different and both hiding so very much.
So one day at a time and I move forward. Much love to you all and if you are struggling – reach out to someone – I promise you are loved and valued more than you will allow yourself to believe ❤️
If you have been triggered by anything here please visit Mind to find help.
I picked up a bow in the spring of 2018, I had been around ranges for a while since the rest of the house was shooting and had been for a while. I loved the sound of the arrows hitting the boss, still find it soothing and I am happy to sit and read a book listening to that noise.
I had made friends, supported people, joined committees and thought maybe I should give it a whirl. Talked about it with lots of people, I don’t make rash decisions 😂🫣 I have a number of issues that I knew would likely make my shooting time short, but with some effort I might get 2-3 years. So off I went in the winter of 2017 and got a compound bow ready for after I had completed my planned beginners course early 2018. The issues with my back and shoulder pretty much mean compound is the only suitable bow style.
So there we have the first “issue” a group of established archers who protested – a brand new, novice archer with a compound bow, nope cannot be allowed, so dangerous and time limits were suggested from 12 to 24 months that I should have to shoot an alternative bow style, preferably recurve, to prove I was safe before being allowed on a range with a compound bow!!
I was lucky, very lucky, to have a group of archers and committee members support me and once I completed my beginners course, the offer of a coach – brave enough to stand beside the dangerous prospect of a beginner with a compound bow and so began my journey to shoot, not know what was coming!
My coach was starting his (then named) level 2 coaching course and the candidates needed a “Guinea pig” (my term – don’t be offended) to work with and take to their assessment. So we sat with the paperwork where I had to explain the many issues with my body that were going to be an issue with the goals I had set myself. Or rather he sat, I stood as I genuinely expected at some point during the conversation he would tell me it was a non starter and I would be better selling my bow and quitting. Nope, he never flinched and just said, right, let’s learn together!
Without a doubt having someone who never flinches and stands beside you in support is one of the greatest gifts anyone can have.
We worked and I worked hard! My aim was to get to the summer and the club celebration shoot an informal, relaxed environment with a competition and cake! My family however were much more confident in me and advised me that my first competition was booked for April! (I do not advocate booking people on to competition without their permission, my family know me though).
By the end of that first outdoor season I had shot 23 competitions and was shooting for the county – the most amazing and supportive group of archers led by, in my opinion, the best county captain there is. I had fallen in love with a 1440 and enjoyed a Hereford – but these long rounds would see me stand all day, couldn’t allow myself to sit and relax because once I do that the pain hits massively, my relationship with pain, is like everyone’s – personal and individual, but I do not take painkillers because I have watched someone very close to me struggle for many years with addiction to pain medication, I know that there will be a lot of opinion and I am not saying my way is by any means correct, but it’s my way.
I am so very grateful to those who have always supported me, laughed with me on the range whilst watching me struggle with the pain and sat with me and held my hand at the end of the day when, after raffles and medals and everything else is over, I lay on the floor and let my body relax and allow the pain in, and as my muscles spasm and seize up and I cannot move they chat with me and sometimes cry with me.
My coach suggested maybe we look at sitting to shoot, no! No – I saw this as giving in, I don’t give in to my pain, I had never done so. I was 43 and had struggled forever, for me sitting was giving in. So on we went. I had set myself a goal at the beginning of the season – a third class, I came away with a second class – happy? No! I had so many scores that were just a handful of points from a first class! So I saw failure – I had surpassed my goal but felt that I had let myself down! Trust me I know what my counsellor has said about this – my mind is and will likely always be my biggest issue.
Indoor season saw me start county coaching and a change of coach, supported back at club by my first coach. Looking at the issues that impact me both physically and mentally. I never shot less than double sessions indoors but often did the triple, I felt that I needed to keep my body capable of that consistency and volume ready to go back outdoors, a double is a few less so in my mind the triple – a few extra seemed obvious and I was having fun. I hate indoors, makes me feel trapped but I fell in love with the vegas and set myself the goal that in 2025 I will go to Vegas and shoot a Vegas for my 50th birthday.
As summer 2019 approached my body was showing the impact of shooting between 800 – 1000 arrows a week and I started to worry I might not manage that 3 years I had hoped for in the beginning. But consistency started to fail as the pain sometimes kicked in during the day despite my best efforts. My coach found himself away for work and I was a little lost, though he also suggested sitting to shoot! What is wrong with these people!
Another 2nd class at the end of summer 2019, again so close to that first! and the worry that the pain would slowly increase and the chance at the first class would be lost forever. So a new coach? First meeting we discussed all the issues and I warned him friend or not, do not suggest that I sit to shoot! He decided it was time to add to the team, and a call was made to our mutual friend who is also a physio. Sometimes you need an expert!
Within a couple of weeks I had my first session with the physio and lots of tears, the NHS who are brilliant have only ever dealt with me a bit at a time but this was a list of everything, what the implications are and how we might approach them.
As the indoor season progressed the issue of the stool was raised and again I refused, but the subject was raised a few weeks later after a particularly difficult shot and I decided that I would data gather, shooting under different conditions over a period of weeks, set days, stood, sat, with and without an agent. I am an evidence based creature and though we thought we knew what the results would show I needed to prove it. I am incredibly grateful to the brave souls who agented and put up with the tantrums because the idea of sitting was still giving in.
Meeting with the physio and looking at the information and agreeing a way forward. Discussion with him and coach as to what we felt the best way to build a stool was and my county team mates set about creating my stool which I hated with a passion, so I must thank them, though I think in truth they enjoyed having a reason to get the power tools out!
So my mind! What do you do when your mind doesn’t want to do what your body needs? Well the county team gave me a talking to, the physio gave me a talking to and a couple of the wheelchair archers who I have agented for sat me down and asked why I wouldn’t give myself what I gave others? Fair question but I wasn’t really in a place to hear it!
As we approached the end of the 19/20 indoor season I found myself struggling to complete even a single round and had several weeks that saw me withdraw part way through competitions, leaving me crying for very different reasons. My last competition on my feet saw me complete the round barefoot, the judge knows me well and knew what was happening to my mental health and with the support of my county team mates I was given very strict rules that allowed me to shoot and finish the session, something I will forever be grateful for 🤗❤️🏹
One of the “naughtiest” things you can do on a range!
Spring 2020 – covid! Turns out this was great timing for Bert, I named the stool to help bond and reduce the resentment, going out when there was almost no one around to get used to the idea and feel of sitting because once people started seeing me they all had questions and opinions – unless you are supporting someone – hold your tongue!
I have cried on ranges, walked out of spaces and had a torrid time, why? My mind still sees sitting as giving in, people say things and enforce the things in my head! What business is it of anyone’s what a person requires in the way of adaptation to shoot? Consider carefully what questions you might ask and also how you ask them, you will rarely be aware of another person’s struggles.
I have learned that as my stool has been tweaked and made to fit me that a substitute can actually hinder me, grateful to the club that leant me theirs when I left Bert at home and it was a valuable lesson.
Outdoors 21 saw me dig in and fight for my right to shoot, as people tried to tell me that if I needed a shooting stool I had no place on the line! What did that determination give me? I finally, by working my backside off to prove myself to others achieved the elusive first class 🥳
It was also in this summer that I found flight, I cannot put into words how much I love flight, it allows me to stand to shoot as there is a very small number of arrows. More than that I am surrounded by the most supportive group of archers, which was so important whilst having to justify my right to shoot target archery.
Indoors 21/22 and outdoors 22 saw other things happening and whilst fighting to prove I had a place on the line the other things happening in my personal life saw me come incredibly close to quitting – life, archery – everything – my beloved sport was no longer a safe place for me to be.
Without a doubt the volunteers who I share the range with at national and international events for AGB and the flight archers kept me shooting.
I was invited to attend a field course and had an incredibly welcoming group of EFAA members allow me to share their day, but as I joined them on their journey through the trees (I was not shooting) it became apparent that the unpredictable nature of the spasms I get in my shoulder mean I will not be safe on a field course, but I would most definitely recommend trying it.
The end of the season saw me grind out the scores amongst the tears to hold onto my first class, but sadly not all ranges are now safe for me to shoot at from a mental health point of view, but I do have several ranges with shooting buddies scattered across them and of course March 23 will see Integr8Archery Club start shooting on our range.
My indoors 22/23 season has been suspended due to personal matters within the family but I am looking forward to getting back at it, though there are some issues with my back which has deteriorated further in recent months, that will need looking at but I have those 8 days at Dunster to look forward to and certainly provide the motivation I need to get out there, that and the flight season will most definitely be high points of summer 23.
Why have I shared all of this? If you have read my blogs you will certainly know some of it already.
The aims of Integr8Archery CIC and Integr8Archery Club are to make our sport open and accessible for everyone, to welcome anyone who wants to try our sport, which is – in my opinion- one of the most accessible and inclusive sports there is, but also to support those who want to stay but face challenges to be able to continue shooting.
It has been a privilege to help those who have allowed me to, some have remained as Friends of Integr8Archery where we support each other. In person on ranges, or virtually in the devices we carry in our pockets and one click away so if we wobble a message from the range to one of us at home keeps us shooting.
Some of those I am allowed to support come to me because they have heard about me from talking to someone I have helped, some approach me on a range to enquire about Bert the shooting stool, but some have come to me through my role as regional safeguarding officer and for 9 of those it’s about their ongoing wellbeing and care. Please don’t be afraid to ask for help, there will be someone you can trust if you are brave enough to ask and I do not underestimate the courage it can take to reach out.
Without a doubt I am probably proudest of using my experience, physically and mentally to help and support others and I am so pleased that people are beginning to recognise that if you are wearing an Integr8Archery shirt that you belong to a group of supportive, like minded archers and you might be on your own on that shooting line but you carry all of us with you.
Teachers strikes, I am not debating the rights and wrongs of strikes, I rarely air politics publicly – as a result of spending most of my working life employed by central or local government.
My daughter was home on Wednesday as a result of the strikes and we weren’t really sure what to expect for the school club, only 3 out of 15 children attended. Initially seems disappointing however, it gave those children the chance to have some focussed time with their coach to really assess how they were doing. So I am taking it as a positive that we had the chance to have the opportunity to spend focussed time with those 3 children.
The coaches who work with me are amazing and I do not take for granted that their enthusiasm never wavers and they share my ability to sit round a cuppa, discuss any issues arising, bounce ideas to find solutions and then we laugh off those moments where we might have had the urge to scream! They accept my ability to bounce on a sugar high without me actually having had the sugar 😂😂 something many find infuriating but they know that it’s the root of my ability to think outside the box and that allows me to find solutions to the situations that present themselves.
I am weird and quirky and some see that as terrible, but life has taught me the ability to see things differently to most, the experiences that gave me that ability don’t need to be shared but it’s the positive that I take from them and I use it to look at issues that may be a barrier to giving someone the opportunity to try something new. It doesn’t always work but it certainly does regularly and my coaching team embrace my crazy ideas because together we make them work and successfully get bows into hands.
Remember to say thank you to your coach and anyone else who helps you, even in the smallest of ways, to be appreciated is often what gets them back out there on their bad days.
I don’t hide my struggles with mental health, they have been there for many years. They have definitely had good spells and bad spells and since November 2021 there has been an incredible battle for me.
May 2022 was definitely the worst for many, many years.
My focus, with the help of a small number of people is to learn to carry what happened, what caused it and shuffle forward.
The ability to talk is so incredibly important click the link and take a look at the information from Mind, I understand that talking about mental health can be scary but you may make a difference.
A few of the coaches who help make my projects work, I am blessed to have so many who share my goals and I will try and introduce them all over time ❤️🏹
A most awful day?! But an amazing support crew along the field ❤️
I am often asked about why I talk about my mental health, why don’t I hide it? Erm, because it shouldn’t be hidden!
Easter Sunday 2020 I decided, as I sat drinking my early morning coffee in the garden, to cut down a couple of trees and got on with it, was making good time proceeding well, and boom – found myself impaled on a tree stump! Scared people who cared whilst we waited to find out the short and long term answers. Thanks to an amazing surgical team seeing me in A&E and then going on to see me every second day for a couple of weeks, I can say I have still got my leg, it’s got a scar and a dent and I have covered it in an ocean where every creature represents and is named by an archer.
But as I went through that process and even now when it’s not happy, people want to know, how am I getting on, can they help?
I have joint and pain related issues, my asthma that’s not happy, my damaged ear with it’s resulting hearing impairment and now the blood disorder. (Yes! I know I am physically a wreck 🤷♀️). All of these things, people help or ask about.
But my mind, well – it would be easier if you hid it, kept it to yourself, it’s uncomfortable.
It’s still Health!!! So Why?
I am not going to hide it, and if me talking about it helps someone else with their issues then I am glad I shared.
This last year has been horrific, I don’t need to share why, but I can say when I need to – today I need a bit of extra care, or a little extra support or can you just be a little more mindful?
I have been blessed to have a small group of amazing people who have supported me more than I could have imagined and I am grateful. I have cried – a lot! You find it annoying? Not anywhere near as much as I do!!
My counsellor and I have worked harder in 2022 than we have had to in years. We are kind of at an impasse now, there are so many answers I need that are being withheld and telling me to get over IT when you really do not understand what IT is, doesn’t help, but I will likely nod and humour you and just remove you from my circle because then you don’t have to deal with it, because that’s what you are saying, you don’t want to or it’s uncomfortable to.
Those amazing people who stay by my side, they admit, like me that we don’t have the answers, that’s ok, they are however willing to sit with me in my dark, and because of them and my children I am still here when there have been serious spells this year when I almost wasn’t, because I believed (and sometimes still do) that might have been the better answer for us all.
I am not asking you to take it all on, I don’t need everyone to know the whole story.
What I am asking you is why if I am physically unwell is that ok to discuss but when my mind wobbles I am asked to hide it?
Stigmas around mental health are tough to break, but I will not live with them or hide because of them.
There is a lot of information out there and this is important to know where to look because most people have issues at some point in their lives and need a little support, but for some people it’s a daily battle – ongoing.
Please check out Mind if you want to learn a little.
So relieved when I walked onto this range in June that it was one where I do still feel safe, never shot on it, but certainly would have walked away from my sport if this had not been safe for my well-being. ❤️🏹
