This week has been somewhat crazy, decisions around many things, day job, Integr8Archery, my archery, health and a bunch of other stuff.
meetings, webinars and shifts at work in between and blessed that my amazing girl has walked and walked with me whilst I mull over all these things. She’s awesome and I am blessed to have her for a sounding board and to offer me her thoughts.
hopefully the right decisions have been made so far, though only time will tell and I still have some more to make so 🤞🏻
exciting things to come for sure and a great catch up with the over seas team who had news to share on how my input has helped them so early in our collaboration, united through our sport and shared aims despite being separated by a huge ocean.
Thank you to the people who have spent time this week updating me on how they are getting on, I am especially excited to see the two range returners, each having stepped away from archery for different reasons but with support have both picked up a bow to return 🥳
My history has made trust hard for many, many years.
I do not ask for help, ever, anything that makes me vulnerable simply isn’t going to be asked for. Just one of the very many things that keeps my therapist busy even after all these years!
Sport creates a quandary, you need someone to teach you, then you need someone to help you improve or deal with issues that arise, someone with the knowledge that you don’t have.
How do you find that person, where do you find them? Word of my mouth, internet search engines, sports governing bodies ……….?
You found one, how do you judge them? Know when things are right or wrong? For it to work you have to trust them, but if you trust them and then you aren’t sure about something but they explain or justify it, well they are the expert right? When do you ask someone else’s thoughts, whose opinion is the right one?
Different coaches have different ideas, different methods – right? With a little niggle, a little doubt, maybe it fades, may be it grows, and on you go. Until next time, the next thing and so the circle begins. How do you know when to ask or who to ask?
That was my merry go round, and it went on for 2 years, I tried to ask the coach, that never went well! So then I became reluctant to question anything, so I decided the better idea would be an email, a coach may be a friend but it’s also a working relationship and emails are absolutely appropriate in that setting.
Well that got me an early morning (5:30) angry, incredibly angry phone call. Screaming! How dare I speak to the coach in that way! Well I have that email, I have read it many times, it’s polite, respectful and carefully worded, my coach had had me in tears on the range on more than one occasion, some times in front of others, trust me I was careful because I was very much aware of the rage that could be triggered.
Apparently their coaching and authority had never been questioned or disrespected in such a way.
My quietly spoken question of if that was because no one else had experienced the same or had they simply not felt able to ask was met with more rage.
The response to all of this was not what I had hoped, not a sit down let’s look at how to answer those questions and make it safe for me to ask more questions about what and why we were doing things, but a slow destructive pattern that the following summer ended with me being told I have no place in this sport in any role, as an archer, a volunteer as someone who champions what this sport has to offer and what it can give.
The most destructive of endings I think to a coach/athlete relationship.
So I have fought to stay, on the line and in every other role that I value in my sport. Carved out where I am safe and who I am safe with. That trust that I barely had when I let that coach in, shattered.
To stay shooting with everything my body faces I need help, my physio – who never left, and someone who can offer the coaching but knowing I have a serious issue letting anyone have that access.
I am blessed to know many coaches, numerous sports and levels in my friendship circle. 2 who I can tentatively ask questions and who know what daring to reach out costs me, who are patient and gentle and supportive. They also respect each other, actually something else that I have learned isn’t as common as it should be either, another massive issue within coaching.
This year I have dared to let my friend, my county captain and safeguarding officer in a little, he coached me previously and he gets it. Occasional sessions where I ask questions and there may be tweaking but we shoot together, kind of coaching but without the label.
Whilst everything fell apart in Dunster I reached out to him and my physio to ask me to save my shooting with me.
Today we did that, tweaked and looked at options and sent me out into the world with work to do knowing I will ask my next question when I am ready.
I have become aware that the other coach has stepped further into my world and to stay safe I may need to shrink my world a little more, may loose one of my most important safe spaces. We are looking at ways around that.
My point? Don’t be afraid to ask questions, be brave enough to trust on your terms, there will be someone out there who will accept those terms and work with you.
If you don’t feel safe tell someone, anyone, and keep telling them until someone listens. I promise some of us do. One day we will all be safe ❤️🏹
For me this has been a busy week, admin, meetings and planning. Not much to share at this point, reviewing projects and planning new things, trying to set dates for a number of things. Things to share in coming weeks but not a lot today in these stages. It interesting for someone to read but incredibly important for managing projects. Evolution is critical to the process, ongoing learning to achieve the best for everyone.
Super news from some of the archers that I support, goals being achieved, for some that involves medals, for some it’s successfully adapting and finding ways to stay in the sport, I am grateful they trust me and I very much enjoy when they share their success with me. Thank you to everyone who takes the time to do that, I am pleased for all of you. I am always here, I have said before I am like your greatest cheerleader, celebrating or giving out hugs when needed.
My archery? A hugely busy Saturday for me this week with my bow and some planning so let’s hope that brings something to the table to improve things for me. It’s easy to focus on what is going badly but as I looked at my notes I remembered the PB’s I set early in the outdoor season, let’s see what some physio and some help on the range can achieve.
Safeguarding has been keeping me busy and I wait to see what happens with some things there. It’s a massively important issue and we need to always keep it in mind.
Friday sees my last of the sessions at The Frank Bruno Foundation with the Blue Light Card, without a doubt I shall be staying to continue to work on me, so more planning on Friday to see what is their best plan for me going forward.
Right off to ping a few arrows before going to work, happy that the issues from yesterday and the web access have been resolved, sorry this week’s blog is a day late but very much out of my control.
This has been an incredibly serious and busy week, pretty much all along the lines of safeguarding.
A multi sports meeting around the topic of safeguarding and wellbeing. I find these kinds of meetings fascinating, frustrating and inspiring if they are my sport, multi sport or work related. You have the opinions about titles – safeguarding, welfare, child protection officers ……… and many more.
The debate about what is expected of those who take up such roles and does this vary depending on where within structure – club, county, regional, national levels. Are expectations varied depending upon if you are paid or a volunteer?
Then we enter the debate about who is responsible for safeguarding! Just those with the job title, wider committee, dare I say it? EVERYONE!
Then how do we deal with things, take details and hand it off and walk away, stay and help, support ……
Is a safeguarding course enough or should there be continuous CPD?
These meetings can take hours of unmanaged and at some point I usually feel my temper triggered. However I always come away equally inspired to have usually found others, who like me, take it incredibly seriously and one of, if not the most important topics we deal with.
Many of us who volunteer in these roles also work in something similar or connected to the issues we deal with and as such we take it incredibly seriously, the understanding of what matters left undealt with can lead too in the long term. We also understand why it’s vital those of us in these roles have a supportive network to turn to.
Anyhow it was, as always, a productive evening with links created.
Some virtual catch ups for me with a couple of archers who I have been supporting for a long time, great to catch up, see how they are getting on, discuss a couple of worries and create a plan for going forward.
Then a huge crash as something happened that threatened my feeling of safety and the work I have done to look after me. Thankfully I have people who reached out.
Some news that prompted some reviews of big issues that I have been dealing with for some time and firm decisions that I have made around who I now involve in these to further issues that are just not being resolved. Ultimately I need to know I did every to keep everyone safe and sometimes that requires more than 1 agency.
Risk assessments for young people at work and as always the disappointment that opportunities were missed for these and help that might have been sought sooner, that could have made a massive difference and reduction in trauma sorrowfully missed and now we look at how best to support recovery. This just makes the conversations around sport more focussed as I fully understand the damage of things left undealt with can do.
Last night dealing with a raid traffic accident outside of work for several hours and wondering how the gentleman is today, his prognosis and recovery and his family, hopefully they are all ok and being supported now and through the states of whatever happens. The crew for police interceptors was on scene so maybe I might find out in some months when that airs but I am fairly confident I managed to avoid being in shot, I am well practised in avoiding them when out with the roads policing officers and when they are in the officers trying to get footage when I have been at work 🤔🙃 No desire to pop up in tv shows 🫣
So apologies if you are waiting on something, I have been a tad busy with other stuff, I will get there in the next few days.
Hope you are all well and enjoying your weekend. See you all soon I am sure ❤️🏹
Remember – if those of us who care join together we can change things 🫶
Busy busy week. I am just about back on top of it all!
Exciting though because new projects and events being arranged on top of the preparation for September and schools returning. When I start to feel a little overwhelmed, stretch, refill the coffee and think about those bows in all of those new hands! Motivation to get back to the communications if ever there was.
Today is the anniversary of me receiving confirmation that Integr8Archery was granted CIC status and that I had wrapped everything up to protect it from anyone who may come forward in the future to try and take my projects for income.
Thank you for the messages checking that I am ok, I am, I take it one day at a time physically and mentally and I am improving but I do appreciate the time anyone takes to reach out and check.
Companies house paperwork completed and approved for the coming year so we can continue, great news, particularly with the work being offered and projects that are continuing.
My shooting? Well I am hoping things will have settled enough to allow me to pick up my bow on Wednesday 🤞🏻which will allow me to hopefully get back on plan.
I have also taken advantage of some great value time with my children, especially Rose who is always fantastic company. They both enjoy giving time to help with Integr8Archery and introducing them to our sport so it’s nice to pay them back doing other things they enjoy.
Off to work before coming home to finish off here.
For the most part the weather doesn’t appear to have gotten the memo about it being summer! 😂
We archers drive around with a car full of clothing for every weather as we often get 4 seasons in one day, but the wet is getting a little boring for now.
This weekend sees the first of the three flight competitions which will happen over 5 weekends and see the 2023 season in the bag, so rain or not I am off to Cumbria for the first of them. Great to catch up in person with my flight friends and then fling some arrows, flight is what I love the most.
I have been working hard to find somewhere to host a competition down here and the grounds I had though I had sourced fell through but now if we can make the timings right I might have an alternative venue that will see us add another competition to the flight calendar 🤞🏻
So whatever this weekend sees you doing, take care and enjoy yourselves ❤️🏹 I will see you on the other side of the weekend 😊
I do not hide my battles with mental health, I don’t share everything with everybody either. It’s important to me that I don’t hide it, I have nothing to be ashamed of! By sharing, occasionally I am told it helps others too.
That said, sure I am stronger than I was last year but to be considered strong I still have a long way to go and I work at it daily. It doesn’t take much to make me wobble.
Last year was nearly my end, I survived, I didn’t hide, I know from past experiences that hiding gets easier and easier with every day that passes until months have passed and I haven’t left the house so this was important.
When you volunteer at big events you do a lot of hours, you are exhausted and the longer you are away from home – it all adds up and takes you to the edge. So last year I volunteered at the European Youth Championships – 10 days. This was just 3 months after the day that I survived so fragile, vulnerable – lots of words could be used to describe me.
On the Wednesday I was exhausted, shattered and being pushed from pillar to post by demands from 3 people, demands that clashed with each other and I found myself in a place I knew I shouldn’t be, doing something that I shouldn’t be, I had tried to avoid exactly that all morning but the people making the demands were not listening.
I found myself in a space distraught and wanting, needing to go home, trying to explain. At the same time knowing if I quit and left I would likely not make it half way home before being desperately upset and disappointed in myself and wishing I had stayed.
Stay I did, sorted myself out and got on with it! Not pretty and certainly in part caused by how immensely fragile I was.
Fast forward 48 weeks, I am stronger but not yet strong. Still recovering from what happened 16/5/22.
I know my journey, that took me from 1996 to 2021, the destruction from November 2021 to May 2022. The path to August 2022 and onto July 2023. Who I share what with? That’s up to me.
Imagine though, battling your own fight and having someone say, well it must have been a good day, Helen didn’t cry today! Certainly nothing like she did last August! For the next week, similar comments every day, well it’s better than last year when you broke down and cried and had to be taken off the field!
Now I don’t believe the person who said it meant harm. It’s bemusing to me as we have spent time on the range together since last August and it’s not been mentioned so why now and why so often? I replied several times, in ways that I believe should have ended the comments, but it didn’t stop. So I tried to ignore it. Thing is, now more people know about that day and in a way that only makes me look weak. Giving other ways to dig at me. In fact someone else who didn’t even know me last August and was nowhere near the range started to make comments in reference to it!
I have thought long and hard for the last 2 weeks, but it’s not ok. What happened happened, and it doesn’t matter why. If you saw me distressed last year and now I appear stronger why on earth would you use it to behave in such a way!
Be kind – always but also, be mindful because you know little to nothing of what another person has lived through – and now your behaviour has set me back, but also given another person something to use against me.
So this last week, I have had meetings, lots of them, in person and via the web, thank goodness for the internet and technology. Activity partnerships and community groups reviewing existing projects and planning next steps and what I can help achieve, some exciting things there.
Activity partnerships, new groups and new projects, announcements to come over the next few weeks.
3 archers deciding to leave or adapt to remain within the sport who have allowed me in to help with their decisions and to find them the correct support, hopeful that they can stay in our sport that they love.
Last night (or was that this morning) my first collaboration meeting with a project across three cities over the water. Massively scaled down from what the plans had been last year when I had been building work for someone else but the people involved still wanted what I had always going to give and though they have offered me something huge I have, at this time kept it small to allow me to step forward slowly. Exciting though that my work here over the last 5-6 years within local and wider communities sees me invited into a project that covers communities in the UK and the USA.
So as my meeting was at 2am here I am now off to bed as I have work tomorrow!
Take care of yourself and for me, this week sees the beginning of my flight season 🥳
It’s been a busy, busy week. Meetings in person and virtual, project related, new and reviews. Children’s coaching collaborative- always great for reminding me why I do what I do. Webinars and meetings booked for the coming weeks and two conferences, Birmingham and Manchester so some new networking and idea sharing.
Some great news from some people who have been keeping me in touch with their progress, always lovely to hear.
A possible venue if we can make their dates of availability work with the competition calendar for the flight competition I have been trying to arrange to bring flight further down the country whilst adding to the calendar for those of us who already shoot it.
Processing Dunster and looking at how to move forward to keep a bow in my hand, hopefully we can achieve that.
Spending some quality time with Rose as it’s the school holidays has been fantastic, she’s amazing company and has a wicked sense of humour.
Attended my first proper sessions at The Frank Bruno Foundation and enjoyed it whilst bringing home some ideas to help with the work that I am doing on my head space. Never be afraid to reach out for help, it’s scary but help is there.
Right off to refill my mug as I appear to have run out of coffee and crack on with all these emails that I have still to do.
Have a great weekend, if you are shooting the 3rd Caswell I may see you as I am hoping to pop over after my shift, be gentle with me I will have been at work for 25 hours 🙃🫣
Thank you to everyone who honoured my request to be allowed to have 10 days for me, I have never made such a request and most people allowed me that time.
Since getting home I have cleared the majority of messages across various platforms but don’t worry if I haven’t gotten to you yet it certainly doesn’t mean I have forgotten you.
I am now deep into arranging the new academic year for existing and new schools. Some projects coming to life that I started work on as much as 2 years ago, some with some adjustments and some with massive changes but exciting to see things finally coming together.
Some new projects bubbling, a couple with other local CIC’s as together we are stronger.
Some people who have asked me to be involved in helping them through changes to remain or return to archery, this is always a privilege.
My flight season kicks off soon and some more workshops being requested but also a possible plan for hosting a competition in the 2024 calendar if we can pin down details 🤞🏻
Of course – meetings, meetings, meetings and some webinars in the next few weeks and I think I have finally decided on my next steps to studying and I have certainly narrowed down my thoughts for my level 2 coaching – I love my sport and everything it gives me but one of the most important lessons I have learned is that ability to step outside and breathe in multisports gives me time to heal.
I hope to see many of you in the next few weeks on a range somewhere – or an airfield!
Take care of you, remember you are each important and some times you need to put yourself first 🤗
When I started shooting I believed that I had 2 years before this broken body would crumble and stop. With the help and support of a number of people I have reached 5 and a half years. It’s been a rollercoaster, the physical pain, moving to seated, the emotional trauma. Shooting for the county is a privilege and no, I am never aiming to “just make up the numbers” as has been suggested by one coach.
The last 18 months have been about fighting to remain on the range mentally and emotionally, people literally holding me together as I breakdown and cry on ranges, spiralling to darker and darker places. In my very darkest place friends decided I needed to see the sport differently, they knew a massive amount of the damage to my relationship with the range was created by a coach and the NGB amongst others.
I was taken to a field course and welcomed with incredible warmth and a huge discussion about why many found themselves there and what a different type of archery and a different governing body had given them and what they might offer me.
However I cannot shoot field, there is a risk with the shoulder spasms that a loose arrow may hit an archer by the nature of the lay out, it’s simply not a risk in target. Plus there is my love of flight archery.
I was also taken to longbow day at Dunster on the 15th June. I had barely survived the 16th May and so was vulnerable on that range but I was met with warmth and laughter and the feeling that I would be welcome here. So Clair and I decided to come this year and spend 10 days taking part in the whole thing, from the county championships, the week’s festival and ending on the regional championships.
I had 13 months to get myself in shape mentally and physically to be here and have fun, something that had been taken away from me.
A week later we had the devastating news about dad and the training on the shooting side took a step back, the focus was on him, rightly so and never regretted.
I did ground out that second seasons first classification, hard work pulled it off and as I had spent a huge amount of time with unclassified or 3rd class scores I was again proud to achieve it. It was evidence that I was pulling it back together. Also some shiny bling again from my second year at the national flight championships and my new found love of the footbow. What is not to love about a bow that sees every single arrow shot make me laugh like a drain! My first raptor badge, Merlin earned too.
Winter shooting was cancelled for me as it simply wasn’t to be a priority but with the small amount of shooting I managed around the important time spent with dad and the few shoots I managed after he left us and the time spent with mum, I managed to end the season with a C classification, I had only ever achieved a D previously.
The work I was doing on my mental health was hard, very hard but it was gaining ground.
Outdoor 23 has been a very mixed bag, hard work and some PB’s but also some terrible days and terrible scores. My body is again breaking down.
July arrives and it’s Dunster time, here I am a week in, my scores are horrible but I am having an amazing time. The plan had been shooting 7 of the 8 days, target on the field day and volunteer on the clout day. I would be standing on the longbow day as the practicalities of the stool on a 2 way shoot were likely to create me more issues than resolve.
I wanted to shoot longbow day as a nod to last year, my first visit that gave me purpose in my sport when I had lost all hope in believing I had a place on the range.
My little longbow has never been shot at a target as she is for flight and I have her as I love watching the arrows float, you don’t get to see the arrows with compound! She brought me home a bronze medal at flight last year but I didn’t expect much of her at Dunster as it was unlikely the arrows would even reach the boss! But she made me proud as the arrows constantly fell around the feet of the boss, they were making the distance! I learned what petticoats are – we don’t get those in compound and I hit a 3! Shortly after starting the second distance it was clear I had to make a decision about the pain and I withdrew, it was a fantastic day regardless and well worth the effort.
Friday saw equipment failure and make up arrows, another new experience at Dunster 😂😂
More importantly, I have constantly had issues this week with my shoulder and back, as expected, I had a little cry on Tuesday as I pondered if this was nearing the end of my shooting but I was sensible and contacted Ben and Martin to arrange some time when I get home to look at what is happening, what we might do and what the future might hold. This equipment failure suggested it may not all be about me as there could have been this piece failing over the course of the week!
So here I am, heading into a double Hereford to end the week, I am going to enjoy it with no expectations and just see what happens. Scores are irrelevant this week. Dunster has been about something so very much more than where my arrows land. It’s been a celebration that I made it, that last May didn’t take me and that my sport may still have space for me for just a little longer. I do still have 2 important goals for 2025! For now Dunster 2024 is on my calendar to return and celebrate me, my shooting and it’s 150th meeting! 🥳
