Week 34 – possible trigger – be aware 🤗

What do you see when you look at these?

Happy pancake day!
How do you prefer them – sweet or savoury – I enjoy both and have no issue with having both in one sitting? Hence the weight I need to loose 🫣😂

Lots of planning and catch up in this last week means lots of meetings this coming week, excited to hear some of what will be discussed. Today I have the first of two meetings with coaches who work on my projects and I shall be feeding them pancakes 🥞 they may just be distracted enough to agree to my ideas whilst eating 😉

So I shall need to think about what to feed those that I shall be meeting later in the week.

I said this may contain a trigger warning.

About 10 days ago I was asked to consider talking/writing about my lived experiences with mental health and suicide. I have agreed and have been putting lots of thoughts down on paper, some things I can’t discuss, some I won’t – but that still leaves plenty to share. Why? Only by talking can we continue to work to remove stigma and to make it more freely acceptable to talk about issues that we are facing and this might help others when faced with their own darkest thoughts to reach out to someone.

As I have considered what I should include, I kept coming back to how we never know what someone is going through and often those of us are in a dark place are hiding it for various reasons but mainly to protect ourselves or to protect others.

So – take a look at those two images at the top of the page.
Taken about 8 months apart – Both versions of me were facing huge challenges but sharing very little.

The first? – I was sharing information and excited about lots of projects and plans but that version of me felt she had a place, a purpose and some worth. She felt loved and cared for and safe. She felt she mattered and that people could see her.

The second? – I had been to the hospital a couple of days earlier, finding myself in a place where the only answer was to save everyone from having to deal with me by simply no longer being here. I didn’t discuss it with anyone but I had it all planned, a small handful of people were aware of some of the challenges that I was facing – most were the same challenges in both photographs, but my worth, value, feeling of being safe had been removed – dramatically so. I certainly no longer felt I added anything other than burden to anyone’s life. Certainly didn’t feel loved. I will be forever grateful that on that day some sent a message that reached in, they didn’t know, but somehow the universe did.

Both show me laughing, I learned many years ago to hide, and I do! Daily! An incredibly small number of people have enough information now to be able to offer me support, 2 outside the medical profession know everything. I shall continue to hide, but that request to consider sharing my experiences feels important and as I sit writing everything down and looking at what I can’t or won’t share, I do also need to think about who my sharing will impact, namely my children.

But we all see those memes and messages about be careful you never know what a person is going through. Those two photos I think are an excellent example – 8 months apart, both laughing but very very different and both hiding so very much.

So one day at a time and I move forward. Much love to you all and if you are struggling – reach out to someone – I promise you are loved and valued more than you will allow yourself to believe ❤️

If you have been triggered by anything here please visit Mind to find help.

Laughter can hide so very much