I do not hide my battles with mental health, I don’t share everything with everybody either. It’s important to me that I don’t hide it, I have nothing to be ashamed of! By sharing, occasionally I am told it helps others too.
That said, sure I am stronger than I was last year but to be considered strong I still have a long way to go and I work at it daily. It doesn’t take much to make me wobble.
Last year was nearly my end, I survived, I didn’t hide, I know from past experiences that hiding gets easier and easier with every day that passes until months have passed and I haven’t left the house so this was important.
When you volunteer at big events you do a lot of hours, you are exhausted and the longer you are away from home – it all adds up and takes you to the edge. So last year I volunteered at the European Youth Championships – 10 days. This was just 3 months after the day that I survived so fragile, vulnerable – lots of words could be used to describe me.
On the Wednesday I was exhausted, shattered and being pushed from pillar to post by demands from 3 people, demands that clashed with each other and I found myself in a place I knew I shouldn’t be, doing something that I shouldn’t be, I had tried to avoid exactly that all morning but the people making the demands were not listening.
I found myself in a space distraught and wanting, needing to go home, trying to explain. At the same time knowing if I quit and left I would likely not make it half way home before being desperately upset and disappointed in myself and wishing I had stayed.
Stay I did, sorted myself out and got on with it! Not pretty and certainly in part caused by how immensely fragile I was.
Fast forward 48 weeks, I am stronger but not yet strong. Still recovering from what happened 16/5/22.
I know my journey, that took me from 1996 to 2021, the destruction from November 2021 to May 2022. The path to August 2022 and onto July 2023. Who I share what with? That’s up to me.
Imagine though, battling your own fight and having someone say, well it must have been a good day, Helen didn’t cry today! Certainly nothing like she did last August! For the next week, similar comments every day, well it’s better than last year when you broke down and cried and had to be taken off the field!
Now I don’t believe the person who said it meant harm. It’s bemusing to me as we have spent time on the range together since last August and it’s not been mentioned so why now and why so often? I replied several times, in ways that I believe should have ended the comments, but it didn’t stop. So I tried to ignore it. Thing is, now more people know about that day and in a way that only makes me look weak. Giving other ways to dig at me. In fact someone else who didn’t even know me last August and was nowhere near the range started to make comments in reference to it!
I have thought long and hard for the last 2 weeks, but it’s not ok. What happened happened, and it doesn’t matter why. If you saw me distressed last year and now I appear stronger why on earth would you use it to behave in such a way!
Be kind – always but also, be mindful because you know little to nothing of what another person has lived through – and now your behaviour has set me back, but also given another person something to use against me.
So this last week, I have had meetings, lots of them, in person and via the web, thank goodness for the internet and technology. Activity partnerships and community groups reviewing existing projects and planning next steps and what I can help achieve, some exciting things there.
Activity partnerships, new groups and new projects, announcements to come over the next few weeks.
3 archers deciding to leave or adapt to remain within the sport who have allowed me in to help with their decisions and to find them the correct support, hopeful that they can stay in our sport that they love.
Last night (or was that this morning) my first collaboration meeting with a project across three cities over the water. Massively scaled down from what the plans had been last year when I had been building work for someone else but the people involved still wanted what I had always going to give and though they have offered me something huge I have, at this time kept it small to allow me to step forward slowly. Exciting though that my work here over the last 5-6 years within local and wider communities sees me invited into a project that covers communities in the UK and the USA.
So as my meeting was at 2am here I am now off to bed as I have work tomorrow!
Take care of yourself and for me, this week sees the beginning of my flight season 🥳
When I started shooting I believed that I had 2 years before this broken body would crumble and stop. With the help and support of a number of people I have reached 5 and a half years. It’s been a rollercoaster, the physical pain, moving to seated, the emotional trauma. Shooting for the county is a privilege and no, I am never aiming to “just make up the numbers” as has been suggested by one coach.
The last 18 months have been about fighting to remain on the range mentally and emotionally, people literally holding me together as I breakdown and cry on ranges, spiralling to darker and darker places. In my very darkest place friends decided I needed to see the sport differently, they knew a massive amount of the damage to my relationship with the range was created by a coach and the NGB amongst others.
I was taken to a field course and welcomed with incredible warmth and a huge discussion about why many found themselves there and what a different type of archery and a different governing body had given them and what they might offer me.
However I cannot shoot field, there is a risk with the shoulder spasms that a loose arrow may hit an archer by the nature of the lay out, it’s simply not a risk in target. Plus there is my love of flight archery.
I was also taken to longbow day at Dunster on the 15th June. I had barely survived the 16th May and so was vulnerable on that range but I was met with warmth and laughter and the feeling that I would be welcome here. So Clair and I decided to come this year and spend 10 days taking part in the whole thing, from the county championships, the week’s festival and ending on the regional championships.
I had 13 months to get myself in shape mentally and physically to be here and have fun, something that had been taken away from me.
A week later we had the devastating news about dad and the training on the shooting side took a step back, the focus was on him, rightly so and never regretted.
I did ground out that second seasons first classification, hard work pulled it off and as I had spent a huge amount of time with unclassified or 3rd class scores I was again proud to achieve it. It was evidence that I was pulling it back together. Also some shiny bling again from my second year at the national flight championships and my new found love of the footbow. What is not to love about a bow that sees every single arrow shot make me laugh like a drain! My first raptor badge, Merlin earned too.
Winter shooting was cancelled for me as it simply wasn’t to be a priority but with the small amount of shooting I managed around the important time spent with dad and the few shoots I managed after he left us and the time spent with mum, I managed to end the season with a C classification, I had only ever achieved a D previously.
The work I was doing on my mental health was hard, very hard but it was gaining ground.
Outdoor 23 has been a very mixed bag, hard work and some PB’s but also some terrible days and terrible scores. My body is again breaking down.
July arrives and it’s Dunster time, here I am a week in, my scores are horrible but I am having an amazing time. The plan had been shooting 7 of the 8 days, target on the field day and volunteer on the clout day. I would be standing on the longbow day as the practicalities of the stool on a 2 way shoot were likely to create me more issues than resolve.
I wanted to shoot longbow day as a nod to last year, my first visit that gave me purpose in my sport when I had lost all hope in believing I had a place on the range.
My little longbow has never been shot at a target as she is for flight and I have her as I love watching the arrows float, you don’t get to see the arrows with compound! She brought me home a bronze medal at flight last year but I didn’t expect much of her at Dunster as it was unlikely the arrows would even reach the boss! But she made me proud as the arrows constantly fell around the feet of the boss, they were making the distance! I learned what petticoats are – we don’t get those in compound and I hit a 3! Shortly after starting the second distance it was clear I had to make a decision about the pain and I withdrew, it was a fantastic day regardless and well worth the effort.
Friday saw equipment failure and make up arrows, another new experience at Dunster 😂😂
More importantly, I have constantly had issues this week with my shoulder and back, as expected, I had a little cry on Tuesday as I pondered if this was nearing the end of my shooting but I was sensible and contacted Ben and Martin to arrange some time when I get home to look at what is happening, what we might do and what the future might hold. This equipment failure suggested it may not all be about me as there could have been this piece failing over the course of the week!
So here I am, heading into a double Hereford to end the week, I am going to enjoy it with no expectations and just see what happens. Scores are irrelevant this week. Dunster has been about something so very much more than where my arrows land. It’s been a celebration that I made it, that last May didn’t take me and that my sport may still have space for me for just a little longer. I do still have 2 important goals for 2025! For now Dunster 2024 is on my calendar to return and celebrate me, my shooting and it’s 150th meeting! 🥳
There are things we hear talked about on archery ranges, the Vegas in Vegas (set 5 years ago as part of my 50th birthday celebration and the plan is indeed to do that in spring 2025 and maybe also the flight on the salt plains that summer).
One of the things people talk of is Dunster – 8 days of shooting, covering a variety and range of competitions over the week.
Last June 3 friends arranged that the 4 of us would spend the day together on the Wednesday – longbow day. Just to watch (though I soon found us a job to volunteer for 🫣😂). I was in a bad place, seriously hurting and trying to find my way after giving up on life and everything else in May. I was living day by day in fact I was taking it one step at a time – literally breaking time into 15 minute blocks to get through every day.
By the time the day was over we had made a plan, if I worked hard and could pull it all together I would join my friend and we would come to Dunster for 8 days. So I sat down and made my goals, physical and mental health, a plan for 13 months.
It turned out someone important in my life left me that day, though I wasn’t to know that as they didn’t tell me, in fact that day they said “call me tomorrow” and they never took another call or spoke with me again.
A week later dad got his diagnosis and focus changed for everyone.
The plan for working on my archery didn’t go to plan as I made time priorities about dad and as a result not shooting, though I did occasionally manage to get to a range and the focus was helping me feel safe, stopping the crying and the throwing up.
Therapy sessions continued and gradually reduced in number and I worked hard on everything.
So here I am now, 13 months after setting that goal to life long enough, find a way to make living something I wanted to do. I can stand on a range and not cry, I can arrive and leave smiling, there’s the occasional wobble but I have support. It takes a village for sure.
I have tested the boundaries and worked on how to manage my pain for endurance because 8 days is going to need endurance! Last weekend saw this reach its goal of the double Windsor on the Sunday.
My scores have not been a priority, I do not have a coach, likely never will again. I do however have coaches who are friends and will sit and hear me out and spend time with me listening to my theories and helping me. I have a county captain who has been awesome and spent time on the range being my spare set of hands and eyes.
Here I sit in our little holiday home having been out and explored with my friend, visiting places I haven’t been for a while, exploring galleries and shops and chatting with people. We popped along to Dunster and made ourselves useful for a while and I am excited for what this week brings. New experiences, proof of how I am healing and laughter – lots of laughter, may be a few tears but hopefully not many.
I will be updating how Dunster is going and this week the focus is about me, something I have never done. It’s new for us all. I will occasionally sit down and answer emails etc but don’t be expecting me to respond swiftly as I usually do. This is my week and I make no apologies for it. I have worked hard to get here and I am going to enjoy it.
See you all soon, take care of you and by all means let me know how you are doing.
I had made plans to go to my first session at the Frank Bruno Foundation on Friday. It didn’t quite go to plan, my mind had other ideas. Grab a cuppa and I will explain.
Those of you that know me or read my blogs know I battle my mental health daily, and that I have had some serious dips over the years. For those who don’t know here’s a bit of history.
1996 saw me go through something horrific and added with some previous experiences this was the catalyst for what happened with my mind. The anxiety that I had previously now exploded and as I recovered physically from what happened I didn’t have any ideas about how to deal with my mind. So I started to teach myself how to hide it, how to function at work and in life with this huge dark energy in my head.
Over the years my body tried to warn me what ignoring my mind can do, migraine, IBS, stress related alopecia….. it kept trying and I continued to teach myself ways to hide it and carry on. Of course this takes it toll. Every day I have to convince myself stepping out of the house will be ok, at my worst, the longest time I stayed in the house was 10 months and that was long before all of the ways you can have food and shopping delivered to you at home.
Fast forward to 2015 and I was sat at work and the pain was excruciating and I could not breathe, my colleagues thought I may be having a heart attack, luckily they fetched someone who had years of previous experience working at the A&E department who sat with me and explained this was a panic attack. Doesn’t sound that bad? Well if felt like it might kill me! They still do when they visit.
Supportive colleagues saw me access therapy, something I had avoided up til now because I couldn’t see how talking about everything would help me. Wow the first couple of weeks were a surprise, sure we talked but there’s a lot to do at home between sessions and it is a lot more than talking! Serious work saw a stronger me, techniques found that worked for me to help me ground and control, some things I had self taught over the years but we built on these. 6 months of serious work and since then I have been able to drop in and out with Nora, she is worth her weight in gold and I cannot thank her enough for being that solid rock when I need her.
2022 was bad, really bad and all of my techniques were also smashed, leaving me with no coping mechanisms. Surviving the darkest place because of people who didn’t give up on me when I did, I had to dig in and start again. Absolutely this meant back to therapy, but also realising I needed new ways, because the damage created meant I couldn’t just go back to the old techniques and the diagnosis in the autumn that I have PTSD!
Here I stand, stronger than a year ago and proud of what I have accomplished in the last year but still incredibly vulnerable and looking for those new ways to strengthen my resilience, especially when I now also have the grief of the loss of my dad in January which I have not dealt with.
I am familiar with The Frank Bruno Foundation and the great work they do. I have spoken to several people who have been on programmes and they speak very highly of what those programmes have given them. Several times I have thought of going along but there’s always something in the way, I am very experienced at putting barriers in my own way! Then they advertised an 8 week programme that is being offered for blue light card users, seems like the perfect timing! As most blue light card holders work shifts we can drop in and attend as many or as few of the 8 sessions as we wish. With some help from work I quickly made arrangements to be available to attend the 2nd and the last 5 sessions. Perfect.
So, Friday morning, the voices in my head were loud, really loud! A safeguarding call asking to speak with me when I was available, not urgent but needing advice, perfect excuse that I cannot go before I have dealt with that!
The session was to start at 10:00, the sick feeling, pounding in my chest, struggling to breathe and all the doubts running round my head about a place I have never been to.
I help others step into the unknown, make arrangements for them to visit before hand, I have stood in the middle of a range in my pyjamas, why didn’t I extend the same steps to myself?
So now here I am sat in the house, upset, disappointed and angry with myself that I do not look after myself in the same way that I look after everyone else. The sunburn from JNOC has decided to choose this morning to start to peel and I hear my friend from last week – Helen what do they tell you on the plane about safety and when the masks drop down, put on your own first and then help others! That’s what you should do every day.
So I dragged myself off to the car and determined to go to the gym, if I can walk in, feel the space then those final 4 sessions will be easier because it will not be a fear of the unknown. Not quite sure where I am going – well if I can’t find it, I tried right? The sat nav took care of that of course. When I arrived it was at same time as one of the volunteers – Jo, who greeted me with warmth and a welcoming smile and took me inside to chat and have a coffee.
The group I should have been with came out and as they were going into the gym welcomed me and invited me in, coach Jo and one of the attendees – Sue, encouraged me inside. I have that flight reflex and I want to run despite the welcome, so I sat on the floor – it slows down the running! Those who know me well will be familiar with my act of using a coffee mug as a shield and there I sat with my mug in front of me to beat the demons.
I could hear my grandad, he was the one that when I was little, first sat me down to watch the boxing and talked to me about the dancing feet in fight, as I sat on the floor that was very evident and that led me to think of him and dad and their love of boxing.
Coach Joe came to sit with me and chat between leading the group, Lisa came in to take photos and also sat and chatted with me. The sickness left, the breathing settled, my mug made its way to the floor beside me. The sky didn’t fall in and I was in a safe space. As I watched and listened I was drawn to the conversation of dominance, in archery we start with what is your hand dominance but sometimes we find you might me left eye dominant despite being right handed. Just this week I found this with a young boy who has been shooting a while but moving him to left made a massive difference. It appears feet are the same. We start with hand dominance but in the group two attendees have discovered they are left footed, the brain is amazing.
Lisa and I left the room to chat about work we do, overlaps in aims and maybe things we might even do together for service users but maybe for some down time for staff and volunteers.
It was the drop in session, another coffee and chatting to lots of people, me explaining my failure this morning and the desire to attend and remove the demon and change the loss to a draw. I was chatting with Martin who told a little about himself and what the programmes have given him, including the confidence to propose and showed me some photos from the wedding just 2 months ago. How amazing.
Thank you to everyone who welcomed me and chatted with me, serious conversation, laughter and support. I would very much recommend that anyone thinking of going, try it and maybe the drop in sessions are a great ice breaker, no pressure but a gentle way to walk in the door, there are lots of different programmes, for adults and young people so it’s definitely worth chatting to find out what will suit you. Maybe you have something to offer as a volunteer I often speak of how volunteering can be a great way to try something before taking part.
Lisa, myself and Kate from West Northants council went back into the gym to take some photos and amidst the laughter and conversations I most definitely found a safe space, of amazing people, from a variety of backgrounds and I will be back for those remaining 4 sessions but likely so much more. If I haven’t mentioned you by name, I apologise, I am hopeless at remembering names, I will learn them eventually 🤗
I wanted to turn my loss to a draw but I think it ended on a win! I didn’t do what I had planned but it was successful none the less. Be kind to yourself and allow for your own feelings.
Have a great weekend I hope those storms don’t ruin too many plans.
For those of you who have been here from the beginning you may have noticed the date! 52 weeks in a year right? So that would make today the day! 365 days – yes? So that would make tomorrow the day 😜 but as you know I do my end of week blogs on Tuesday and a midweek blog on Saturday. So please forgive me – I’m using the 52 weeks for my celebrating 🥳
A small group of people woke up 52 weeks ago to a message that I had been up all night with paper scattered all over the floor making lists of pros and cons and planning and the decision had been firmly made that I was sticking with my sport, as an archer, with my projects, getting it out there to new people but also continuing to work with those already in the sport who faced changes of various kinds to stay with the sport. After months of various people telling me I could, I had heard the message the evening before and decided he and all the others offering to support me might be right, I had been doing this for years before I collaborated and I could do it going forward without those collaborations too.
So I needed to set up a business, quickly and move forward with the world understanding who I am and what I wanted to do, but first I needed a name – we had sorted it between us within 3 hours, a logo was next – I had that by tea time! A plan, I had created that in the middle of the night. A website started the following day, a Facebook page, instagram ………. an announcement to the world! What a first week! Community Interest Company – non profit – status granted, terms firmly set. An archery club – a committee and away we went!
6 months allowed me to reveal amazing stats, available because in January 2021 I started to keep stats on my hours as a response to criticism about why a person would volunteer and not do all of these things for profit. Stats on the projects were easy as I had been keeping those for years.
Those figures were seen by my dad, my weekly voice of reality in those 6 months as I started Integr8Archery a week after his diagnosis and the news he only had a few months left. Those conversations were a break for us both from the conversations about his illness, his treatment and the information we had about what his wishes were and what a future without him might be. I was proud he saw those figures, he was proud of what I had achieved in those 6 months. A week later – as I was writing my 27 weeks blog, I was sat chatting to him knowing there was very little time left, but he had wanted to know everything and so we shared the writing of that blog just hours before he lost his fight. I want him here to see what I have to share today, he isn’t, but I know what he would say, because he shared his thoughts and I hear him daily 🤗
So, my 2 a week blogs have kept you up to date with events and plans.
52 weeks in Numbers –
52 weeks = 1085 hours of my time given, for free to Integr8Archery! For every 1 hour there has been a bow in the new hands of 1.9 people! So many sustainable groups along with one off sessions or short term groups. Community groups that strive to include everyone – to hit my aims for equality, inclusion, diversity and accessibility.
“ changing lives through archery”
But what else, we know I don’t just give my time to Integr8Archery.
I have given 206.5 hours of my time to Archery GB to volunteer as part of the competition workforce. I shoot and I love competitions and whilst I am only ever interested in what I am doing, comparing myself only with myself, I know competitions only happen because of volunteers – give it a go! It’s by far the best blue shirt there is, to wear amongst a great volunteer family.
I have also given 34 hours to other things, such as marshalling, I use other sports to help me stay grounded, mix with others. It certainly helps with my headspace to keep my circle wider than my sport, one that I love, but one where I was taken to my knees.
So, that’s 1325.5 hours of my time given as a volunteer across sports. 25.4 hours a week! That’s on top of my very demanding day job, my family and friends and my own shooting. I don’t sleep, we know that, what else would I do with my time 😂🫣🤷♀️ I mean we get 168 hours in a week, how do you spend yours 🙃
Thank you to my family, friends, club committee and every coach or ear/shoulder of support from 28/6/22 to date.
It blows my mind that just 6 weeks prior to that I was sat in A&E because I found myself in a place that meant I could only see one answer, simply not to be here at all! Well if I had succeeded that day over 2000 people are unlikely to have picked up a bow!
Seriously though, I have been asked why I share what’s happening with my mental health? Why? Because it might just help even 1 person and if it does that’s what matters.
In the autumn I was formally diagnosed with PTSD, see why it’s relevant that today – my year is also PTSD awareness day!
My mental health has been an issue since 1996 and the trauma that changed everything, over the years it’s created a number of issues and I do share about them. I have had a number of ways to deal with that and learn methods to handle the issues that I face and live with. However from November 2021 to June 2022 someone set about destroying those methods leaving me in a darker place, with my grounding and management techniques removed – coping was unlikely.
My counsellor is amazing, without a doubt a focus has helped and here I sit, with these amazing numbers to show as a result of that focus.
I have tried new things, we’re still learning how to replace what I had taken. I do know that if you look at how relaxed I am on the range, shooting, smiling on arrival and departure – wow, look at the change from the fear and the tears of 2022. Thank you for the support and hugs and patience that I was shown and to the clubs who now give me safe space where I know my mind can calm.
There have been happenings in the last couple of weeks that have made me stumble and I can say that I am about to embark on another new step, having signed up to a programme with The Frank Bruno Foundation. I will let you know how it goes.
I sit here with a list of planned events, new ideas bouncing around even just Monday 26/6/23 seeing communications starting around some possible VI work and new sustainable sessions. Exciting things to come in the second year of Integr8Archery CIC. I am proud of what I have achieved so far and excited about what is to come. You are welcome to continue to join me – the 2 blogs a week will continue for those who are interested. Saturday will give you a little more information about how those numbers I have quoted here breakdown.
Today? Eat cake and raise a cuppa with me 🥳
See you all soon, it is a privilege to be allowed to be a part of what our sport can give to those who pick up a bow ❤️🏹 thank you 🥰
In life we set ourselves goals, aims, outcomes – whatever you choose to name them. Sport is another place we often set ourselves targets.
From deciding I was going to pick up a bow and booked my beginners course I had a goal, this has continued in the 5 years that I have been shooting. I usually have several at any time and they will all lead towards a main goal. That one big thing that everything else feeds into. I review my goals regularly around a number of things, kit, health, time and of course I shoot two different styles of archery so there are times I juggle those against each other.
How do you choose what is a reasonable goal, realistic, stretching.
Who do you allow to influence you? Coach, shooting friends, squad members, shooting buddies?
What if you want to focus on something different to those people, do you stand your ground?
I recall a conversation with a coach where I was told my goal wasn’t enough, that they could push me to achieve a different goal because they believed in their ability as a coach rather than actually taking the time to understand what my goal meant. No real surprise then when I achieved something that I had worked from the beginning towards, taking 3 and a half years to achieve and that person didn’t even acknowledge what I had achieved as exactly that, an achievement! Bemusing really.
So I guess my question/request is, what do you want, is what you are working towards what you want or what someone else wants from you? I ask because it’s important, and the impact can have a massive impact on your mental and/or emotional wellbeing. So it’s definitely worth thinking about it and just checking on what you want.
So, I am excited and have news to share, some explaining too! It’s long but you have had some short blogs the last few weeks 😉😂
As you will know I am a huge advocate of disability, mental health and inclusion. I passionately believe that sport can help change lives, I have seen it and I have been a part of it. It takes commitment not just from the individual but those working and supporting to make it happen! Now I am in a place to pull several things together so grab a cuppa and let me tell you 🤗
You will be aware that both myself and my son have disability – his epilepsy, mine doesn’t have a one word label! I’ll explain me a little –
My bones are twisted, puts a lot of strain on my joints which don’t all work or sit quite how they should, at 20 I was offered the choice of two surgeries to try and help my left knee – one was on the knee itself and especially the ligaments around it to try and make it easier, or more radically they could plate and screw some bones in my legs to set about straightening them and see if that improved things! They were not entirely convincing about what would come of the more major surgery and if there would be any improvement at all so I went for the knee option, and following that initial surgery have had a further three surgeries on that knee.
I am clumsy, my balance and co-ordination vary but I can fall over fresh air and have literally been stood talking and just fallen as my balance goes! Remember – I meet life with humour so sure make sure I am ok but we are going to laugh at these things!
Broken bones – feet, hands, fingers and my left shoulder blade!
Nerve damage from various things lower back, thoracic spine, feet, left lower leg and for added “fun” some sciatica!
I often say everything is fine, my left elbow and my eyelashes don’t hurt! Remember – humour! But pain is definitely one of the biggest barriers I face and I am incredibly grateful to have a superb physio in Ben 😊
I have a hearing impairment in my right ear as a result of damage, for a while there was talk of metal plates in my skull but I managed to avoid that. It is one of the reasons you might see me in my bobble hat even in summer, drafts hurt it and impact the ability to hear, hats stop drafts.
Several health issues, the two that impact my shooting – asthma which can be triggered by a number of things but especially heat, cold and hay fever – did I mention I am allergic to straw bosses 😂😂😂😂🫣🫣😱 I have a blood disorder, we ruled out the serious stuff that kills you but I am left with a reduced ability to store folate and iron, so I eat a lot of food that helps this and take some industrial grade, prescription top ups, but this can create huge fatigue and on bad days being awake is an incredible challenge – let alone moving!
Mental health? Anxiety and PTSD pretty much see that as a daily thing, some days I can plan for months, some days let’s see if I can breathe for 10 minutes. I have been to the very darkest places in my mind, in fact, they literally sit there daily, but when things are going well, I’m just carrying it with me, as I brave the world and smile. I am blessed that my counsellor is awesome and a tight circle of friends are there constantly 🤗🥰
Why do I tell you all of this, it’s so that you can gain a little understanding for why disability, inclusion and mental health are such an important focus for me.
Archery has given me ways to help my mind, if I don’t clear the messy head space those arrows are going nowhere useful. The process and routine are soothing, calming. Ranges are my safe space.
That’s not to say it’s easy, I have been challenged by people who have questioned my right to be there, on a range, on a shooting line – apparently I look ok – so why do I need to sit to shoot, have an agent? On a good day I might explain a little and try and educate, on a hard day I may tell you it’s none of your business, on a rough day, I might step away, think you are right, I have no place, I am an inconvenience and spiral, if we go back to my longest spell in the house, I literally didn’t leave for many months, long before you could get everything delivered to the house. Every day I have a process to step out of the door, might your unthinking words shut me inside?
However there are also many, many amazing people to be found on ranges who welcome, and support and help, these people question but because they want to understand so they can help, so very different.
Over the last several years I have done a lot of work around health and inclusion and supporting people to step on to a range, but also in other sports too. It’s amazing to watch people try something that they thought would reject them and find they are welcome, archery is one of the most adaptable sports there is and I am lucky to have friends who have worked in many areas, I find it unlikely that if you can tell me what you need that I can’t find it for you in that pool of amazing people.
I am told that I think outside the box, I just see me as me, but it’s definitely helped when thinking of ways to help people come to the range, our own voice in our mind can be the biggest battle we face and it takes different things for different people to push their own boundaries.
I have supported existing archers who have found themselves in a place where maybe they might have to consider their ability to stay on the range, some it’s been adaptions, some changing bow styles and some moving to seated. It’s always a privilege when someone reaches out and says can we talk, you might be able to help me, I know that reaching out for help isn’t easy. Some take the information and go off and do their thing, some keep in touch and some remain as part of our growing support network to give and receive support on our tough days.
With all of this and more in mind, I can now announce a plan we have.
Who are we? Let me explain.
I work with lots of coaches to deliver my projects and support groups who want sustainable archery, getting it set up and then mentoring in the long term. It works, our reviews show this. Northamptonshire carers contacted me to help put archery back into their disability inclusive sports sessions that they run for children with disabilities and their families. The coaches who help me with this are Nick and Jackie from Towcester Archery Club and a great job they do too.
Early in 2023 I had some conversations (thankful as ever for the technology that allows us to be in different spaces and hold meetings and conversations) around a number of different ideas we have and things we can do together with Nick Wilson, who many know as the Disabled Adventurer. We made arrangements for him to come to Towcester Archery Club who kindly offered to host me, Nick and other exiting archers who wanted to come and shoot and talk about the impact of our sport on their disability and mental health.
Nick had a great time as did coach Nick, this was also a great example of how sometimes we fear what we don’t know, I have seen people turned away from clubs because of their disability and speaking with coaches, clubs and archers I am firmly of the belief that whilst a minority is about exclusion for many it’s the worry that a lack of knowledge might mean they can’t help or what if they injure a person? However we’re as many don’t say that and don’t ask for help with improving their own knowledge they just say no. I have managed to get the odd coach to discuss this and been able to link them with coaches who have the knowledge to mentor them.
This very idea now sees Integr8Archery and Towcester Archery Club come together to offer Nick Wilson a bespoke beginners course and coach Nick who was worried about his own knowledge is taking the opportunity to learn alongside him. The 2 Nicks will learn from each other and I have some coaches experienced with a huge variety of disabilities waiting to help amend support and coach Nick is attending the disability inclusion training being hosted in the midlands. I am excited to see what comes of this for both of them.
When I posted that I was holding the session and invited people along, I was blown away by the messages that I received from archers who would like the opportunity to have a safe space, where occasionally they can come together in an inclusive setting regardless of their physical, learning disabilities or mental health, where they don’t have to explain why they do x,y,z. But to be in an environment with others who love this sport, who enjoy shooting and the things it gives us, but who occasionally feel isolated or uncomfortable and we accept that the person who creates that doesn’t always know and we aren’t always strong enough to speak out.
So after some conversations around what we can do, Towcester Archery Club and Integr8Archery will be hosting sessions inviting those who consider they have a disability and or want a space where they can feel their mental health is safe, to come together and shoot every 2 months. We are just pulling together the first list of dates and will announce these in the next few days along with some information around what we have planned for some of those dates along with the ones that we can just chat and shoot and share a cuppa. There will also be instructions on how to join us.
I am excited as I am not aware of anything else offered that is similar to this so I think Towcester Archery Club and Integr8Archery are hopefully going to show what we can achieve and others may set up similar sessions.
So watch this space over the next few days and follow the instructions if you would like to join us, let’s grow this community I have started, for archers who want support and also for coaches who want to learn how to help. Thank you so very much to Dean and Nick for your help and support so far, let’s create change together 🥰🏹❤️
I started volunteering in archery in 2015, little things which grew and grew into huge things, committee roles at club, county and region levels. The work I was doing included many things but as anyone who knows me would expect, these definitely centred around safeguarding, equality, diversity and inclusion. 2018 saw me apply to become an Archery GB ambassador primarily around disability but with all of these principles at the core of whatever I was to do in that blue shirt if I was given one.
Over time my projects grew and grew, I collaborated with others and worked on their projects and looked at joining things together where our aims and objectives met. This led to 2022 when things were coming together and my calendar from June 2022 to October 2023 was full of launch dates and amazing things – huge, huge plans. The person I was collaborating with was out there talking and sharing and inviting people to join us in some of those plans, so as spring 22 hit I started to drop bits of information as a taste of what was to come.
However that person walked away, no warning, no explanation. This is something many of those people do not understand – you stopped getting information? No details? You came to me for answers, I understand why, but I also had no communication- no information to share. I helped those I could, with their plans which had grown from the conversations that they had with that person, pleased to say several are doing well and a couple have stayed in touch to let me know how they are getting on, it’s always nice to hear their news.
Some needed someone to blame, they weren’t getting answers from the person they were contacting so it fell on me, I took the brunt and despite my replies that I could not help with their queries they didn’t stop. On more than 1 occasion I have posted here to say enough is enough and I gave notice that I would no longer reply to those individuals or to anything abusive. For 2 people this didn’t stop them – continue they have! This week it reached a new level from one, a suggestion that my walking away and destroying work and plans last summer (none of which I did) means, in this person’s opinion, I should kill myself – their words! Who even thinks it’s ok to write such messages to another person I do not know!
I was advised to raise a safeguarding and a bullying complaint to the NGB, however this is far beyond that and so I handed it to the police. They have picked it up and I have an investigating officer who has has taken my statement and lots and lots of communication from the last 5 years from a number of people, it just the one who sent the message. This is one individual but there are little pieces of information contained that they had to get from somewhere, so whatever happens next will happen, but going forward I will not be dealing with unpleasant communications. Any from anyone will be passed on to whoever is the most appropriate person to handle it, safeguarding, bullying, criminal – each will find its level.
Me? I shall continue forward, I am proud of what I can accomplish in my limited capacity. Of how I do my bit. Integr8Archery will continue to do what I want, safely set up to allow me to do just that. As I approach the 1st birthday of Integr8Archery I am busy making plans on how to celebrate this year’s achievements, to thank those who have been involved and continue to move on with plans and events for 2023 and beyond.
Thank you to those who have supported me in anyway, but for those who have been there this week, I am grateful that I am stronger now than I was a year ago because otherwise the week may have had a very different outcome.
For Integr8Archery I am only half way through my week, my weeks as you know finish on a Tuesday 😜 so here’s hoping that the end of week blog will be so much brighter than this mid-week one! It will because there’s already things to go in it! 😎
What do you know about sport for the visually impaired? This is something that annoys me and those who know me well have listening to me complain and make a fuss for years! There is simply not enough information or signposting for somethings, for those who might use them, who might consider trying them or for those who might choose to give their time as a volunteer. Two such things that I have enjoyed giving hours to are the transplant games and visually impaired sport. Today I am going to give some information about British Blind Sport as it’s a subject that has come up half a dozen times in the last month or so.
One of the things that I do as a volunteer is spotting for visually impaired archers. I have worked on a semi regular basis with two. It came about as a result of covid, then lockdown rules allowed disabled athletes to practise and someone I knew needed help to find a range that would allow her to shoot (many refused to allow their disability members to access their ranges, a conversation for another day) and also a means of getting there and that role of spotter. Having agented numerous times for disability athletes I said I would give it a go, however I was more than a little anxious as this is more than just collecting arrows for someone and my ability to describe what was happening was going to be key to how useful I was! Turns out all those years doing surveillance in the day job gave me a useful skill on the archery range!
In recent months I have put a couple of coaches in touch with British Blind Sports in regards to archers who needed support. Whilst physical disabilities and adaptations around these are focused on and access is improving significantly, help for visually impaired is still not obvious.
British Blind Sport offer amazing support to people to access a multitude of sports
The sport that I love, where I found my people, that allows me to be me, is the most adaptive sport that I know. I have yet to come across anyone who cannot shoot, it’s one of the very reasons that I love it so very much and why I am so very passionate about it and what it has to offer.
There are a couple of significant events this year that need volunteers and you may be looking for somewhere to give your time so I would urge you to consider looking here:
What have I been doing this week? Mostly lots of planning and attending a couple of multi sports meetings. Lots happening over the coming weeks as the summer moves towards us!
Not so many arrows shot myself, as I would like still but getting there and this coming weekend will see me shoot my first outdoors competition of the season at one of my favourite places and will have the chance to see lots of friends. My only aim, considering the lack of shooting that I have had, is to enjoy the day, see how it all goes and enjoy the company – and not to cry for dozens of arrows like I did last year!
Catch you all soon, have a great week and enjoy this run of bank holiday weekends ❤️🏹
It is incredibly rare that I ask for anything for myself, particularly in regards to my health – this, above, I tried to do at the weekend!
It’s something that my counsellor and my friends have been trying to get me to work on for a long time. The last few months I have been trying, it’s new to me and a work in progress. Whilst volunteering at the Grand Prix it was something that was discussed with me at length and I worked hard on it, the Wednesday and Thursday actually making decisions to put me first, guess what? The world continued to turn and my family of blue and green shirts not only accepted and welcomed my decisions but encouraged them! I may have taken all of us by surprise! 😱😂
Fast forward to 15th April, I posted my blog, and I asked for 36ish hours for me, I needed to deal with lots of things and they were affecting my mental health, I wanted to get everything in order. Projects, communications, lots of things. Despite my request still people contacted me with questions, queries, none of these could wait that 36 hours, I pointed out to each of those people that I wanted to be left until Sunday evening. Did it stop them! No! So I made some decisions and now people are disappointed 🤷♀️ you pushed me, you didn’t let me have that short time I was brave enough to ask for. Apparently for some I didn’t answer questions they didn’t ask 🤷♀️ why in this sport is it so often expected that we can mind read?
What I am especially curious of is, if I asked for the weekend because I had a migraine, a stomach bug, an injury, would I have been granted that 36 hours? Is it just mental health that doesn’t get respected? Have a think, you don’t have to answer me, but please do be honest with yourself!
What it did do was confirm work that I have been doing and several events and projects I am working on are most definitely needed as I had already believed.
So now we have people disappointed because I cancelled things, and angry people who have now had things cancelled who were not actually the people pushing me and being disrespectful of my request! So the people who pushed are ok, and I will deal with yet more annoyed folks 🤔
Integr8Archery CIC is mine, a one man band, no one else makes the decisions and no one else chooses what I do, and no one else steps in when I am overwhelmed. I am working on my projects, work that was always mine, my goals, my aims and new ideas. Not for anyone else, for me. There are also a number of other things I have that I may restart, they are mine too. Don’t make the mistake that because people have collaborated in the past dictates what I am doing now, because that would also be disrespectful.
However, what did go well, that I knew would give me the boost when I was thinking of quitting, was my visit to DISC to deliver soft archery, they are such a welcoming and enthusiastic group and a pleasure to spend time with.
Followed by my trip just over the road to shoot with Towcester Archers, some projects discussed and ideas bounced and arrows flung. Last year it was incredibly important to me to create safe spaces for my mind, where, when I am overwhelmed, anxious and scared, I can go to with my bow.
So thank you and much love to Archers of Raunds, Long Buckby archery club, Towcester Archers, Banbury Cross, Kestrels and Bowmen of Glen. By far the most important thing is the gift they give me of space where I am mentally safe to pick up my bow.
When I started shooting in 2018 I spent hours on the range, practise and competing. From 2018 to 2021 I shot between 800 – 1000 arrows a week. Last year this dropped dramatically – we know why. So I started planning my 2023 outdoor season and how to get that motivation back, perfectly timed as Archery GB advertised for the #greatarrowcount project. I received notification of my involvement in the project which was to start on 1st April. Those first 10 days were impacted by my being at the European Grand Prix but my first week total sees me having shot 570 arrows, not where I want to be but getting back on track for sure.
